#YesAllWomen are being asked "What can I do?"

I’ve had several discussions with men I know and love, and trust over the last few days under the #YesAllWomen. Many have expressed horror, some disgust, and a few were surprised at the alarming number of awful stories highlighting what it is to be a woman in public.
I’ve also watched men I don’t know struggle with the concept online in public spaces, often with less class or integrity than the men who took the time to speak with me.

 Firstly, I want to address the fact that the issues raised by #YesAllWomen are struggles recognised by anyone seen as “weaker” in gender. Trans, femme, and those in the rainbow spectrum also struggle with harassment and a sense of feeling out of control of their own bodies when others take over their space with verbal or physical abuse. I’m sorry that the “Women” tag has led to exclusion.

 Many of the lovely men I’ve seen on social networks feel helpless and guilty and have asked, “what can I do?”

Thanks for asking, but the heat of the moment, when people are exposing their frightening moments, scary stories, and deepest vulnerabilities isn’t the time to wave furiously and shout “This has never affected me but what about meeeeee”. You wouldn’t do it in an in-person discussion, don’t do it on twitter.

It’s the time to read. Listen, wait. Talk in person to people you trust about it, and learn.

In the meantime, here is a “what can I do” List.

 Learn: Don’t expect the people who have been hurt the most to teach you. Violence and crime and gender inequality and sexism and feminism and transphobia are well documented and researched and written about. Go find other sources.

Asking the person still hurting, can hurt them all over again.

 Listen: If people who have experienced something scary and shared on the #YesAllWomen tag offer to talk, please listen. JUST listen. They don’t need your ideas or opinions or judgements. Even if you think they are nice.

“Thank you for telling me, I appreciate it” is all the feedback needed.

Don't feel guilty. Please don’t waste time or energy with guilt if you have never hurt, attacked, or made someone feel unsafe. I really don’t care if you are sorry that someone else did bad things. It doesn’t change the bad things, and it smells like I have to look after YOU reassure YOU that YOU are ok. Sorry, but no.

 Listen to yourself. Are you feeling sick, angry, scared, and resentful? There are probably reasons. The issues we are discussing are HUGE and they SHOULD be uncomfortable. But you are safe; no harm will come to you. Sit with those feelings and examine them. Because the stories coming through in this hashtag have hurt people a lot more.

 Don’t make excuses. There aren’t any. We are all learning, we are all being raised in an intolerably imbalanced world. There are no excuses, only acknowledgement and the promise to improve things.

 Be the killjoy: Be the guy who when someone makes a rape/domestic violence/misogynistic joke says “I don’t get it, can you explain what’s funny?” The more voices we have saying “no” to the small stuff, the less normalising the big stuff there is.

 Be the listener: be the person, who when a friend discloses abuse, violence, or harassment, listens. Let them talk, let them decide what they want, and support them in that decision. The justice system seems straightforward until you have been through it. Reporting or not reporting are both options you need to respect.

 Be a leader: be the person others can look up to for decent behaviour. Ask before you touch someone; be respectful when you talk about women. Call out bad behaviour and chose to leave social groups of people who can’t treat women well.

 Teach our kids: Talk about boundaries. Teach young people that they have the right to say no to a hug or tickling from you. Respect them when they do say no, even if they are playing.

They need to know that their “No” has power, so that when someone doesn’t listen it sets of SERIOUS alarm bells.

 Be a safe partner: Don’t assume women are up for sex. Require discussion, require communication, and require conversation. If it is too hard, because you are both too drunk, wait.

 Question the status Quo: Learn about some of the obvious imbalances: women are told not to run at night, not to drink, judged by their clothes, but men aren’t. These are issues in the media every day. Raise it, complain about it, and talk about it in wider circles than just your feminist friends. Wear your love of equality on your sleeve.

 The examples that I’ve given here are REALLY 101 stuff, but keep reading, keep learning, keep listening.

And don’t expect praise for being one of the feminists. We don’t get any, in fact we get threats.

Wednesday 28/5 Addition: Please go and read this piece by Emma Hart. It fits nicely in with what I am saying above, and she writes FAR more eloquently than I can.
Please add any other "must read" articles in the comments below.
 

Tall Poppy syndrome is alive and well in the blogosphere

There is feminism, and then there is Feminism.
There is first wave, second wave, a token wave to, and ‘the revelation hit me like a wave” Feminism.
There are young people just learning and starting out, and older women who have battled for a generation or more already.
None of us are alike, but all are invested in equality, it is only our knowledge of the world around us that varies how we practice what we do.

I must confess that one of the biggest deterrents to blogging was the large amount of sniping and criticism that goes on in blogging circles.
This isn’t a “lady problem” or even uniquely feminist. I find the same thing in atheist circles, parenting blogs, and science groups.
If someone is passionate enough about something to write at least once a week on the topic, then they have got confirmed theories, opinions and issues around the topic already. Add to the mix the amount of anger that can stand behind marginalised groups, and the fact that each person is a different medley of minorities and it is a volatile mix.

I love the debate of the comments sections because I can choose or not choose to engage.
It gives all sides an opportunity to explain themselves if needed, and provides an open forum to potential resolution and understanding in both parties.

I’m less fond of the growing trend of passive aggression by the way of writing a critical analysis of someone else’s point of view and separating into two camps without constructive discussion between the two. It's all well and good if you overtly disagree with the entire thing (my example would be the tits out campaign). However if you like a concept but they have missed mentioning something that is YOUR baby (whether it is the forgetting the inclusion of your group, or the way something is worded) don’t immediately run back to base and undermine an entire cause.
Discuss with the organisers your concerns in private.
Discuss with the organisers your concerns in public.
Then look at reasons that have been put out there, and if they are still unreasonable by all means, step up and take a stand.

Before you do all this, take a look at the organisers.
A corporate group with their own legal team and plenty of moolah to research should know better, and should take feedback on board and make changes swiftly.
(Hello The Rock FM and HAHAHAHA to your latest ratings btw).
A volunteer group may not have the resources, but should also have people’s best interests at heart.
A blogger... well who are they?
Are they just some shmuck who likes to write, a person with their own passions for human rights but a fledgling knowledge of all the issues?
Or are they a well informed person who should know better and is well respected and widely read?
Are they a cover for someone on the other side trying to undermine a cause?
(The “vote on my abortion” fiasco would be a good example of this).

Take a look at who you are trying change, and why.
The range of opinions on the internet is what makes it so cool, and I would hate to pasteurise our feminist movement through fear of criticism.

So next time you decide to jump on a good cause because there is something you don’t like about it take a deep breath.
Is it really their job to cover ALL the issues at once?
Is there a trend of offensive behaviour or exclusion?
Have you even asked why they have done what they did?
Have you given them the opportunity to improve?
What are YOU willing to do as far as putting in working hours to help find a solution?

Or are you just doing this to bolster your own profile and have something to write about in your own space?
Tall poppy syndrome is international, not just a kiwi issue. The internet has shown this to me.


Disclaimer: I started writing this when I first started my blog and it always sounded like "why are people so meeeeeean?" it has taken me this long to whittle it to a more functional version. If I didnt know you 18 months ago, it has nothing to do with you! (except you jerks mentioned in the examples!)

questions with answers.

I'd just like to direct anyone who hasn’t already seen it to Boganette's fascinating blog post opening up discussion with someone who wrote her a letter.
The letter opens up a lot of interesting concepts around feminism, the feminine, what is “too promiscuous” and the morality of porn.
Some fantastic answers and responses from some brilliant people there.
I love the inclusion and information being put out there, with people being very patient with differing points of view and backgrounds.
I’m feeling the love for my fellow feminists tonight.