How to be an organised woman...

I've got a tendancy to write blog posts in a word doc, and save it to complete later, or forget completely.
I found the following post (written in September 2011 - the month of the antidepressants!) in such a file, and it made me laugh. Hopefully it makes you laugh too.

I got a bunch of books out of the library this week.
All sorts of self-help books. Women in business, Business women. How to not just be a token woman in business. Dealing with business as a women. Taking care of woman business
You get the idea…

Basically I am interested in learning more effective techniques for the day-to-day and to improve my future career.
One of the books I got was about being more organised. The book was pink, so I knew it was actually a “How to be an organised lady” subtext.
I started with it because one of the issues I had was a distinct lack of time to do what I wanted to do as opposed to the stuff I felt like I should do. The book was a horrible disappointment and almost lead to my first panic attack since I started on anti-depressants.
Each chapter had patronising little quotes about how great women are and how useless men are, followed by things that you could do that would streamline your life.
Such as labelling everything that goes into the freezer, cooking multiple meals at a time. Scrubbing the floor while enjoying your favourite TV programme. Having all your herbs and spices in one place, with clearly defined with expiry dates.
Asking your partner to chip in.

WTF???
My partner was already valiantly running the household while I was never there.
I didn’t even know that our spices COULD expire! This was clearly designed for people who had NOTHING to do but couldn’t figure out why nothing was getting done.
It was essentially a chores list for people who have nothing better to do that store pillow cases between books to avoid ironing.
WHO THE FUCK IRONS ANYTHING LET ALONG PILLOW CASES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (That many exclamation marks is a sure sign that my mental illness was winning.)

I was almost homicidal by the second page, but at least I got up early today, too angry to lie in bed enjoying the fact I don’t have to work.

So here is MY advice to streamline your life.
Get your partner to write down their responsibilities, while you do the same on a different page.
Now each go through and tick what you ACTUALLY DO.
Redistribute chores so that ones that are being missed are swapped or negotiated, or split.
If this doesn’t work, or you can’t negotiate an even workload, find a fresh partner, or enjoy the peace of a single life.

If you are single, hire a cleaner and give them the list of most hated jobs and some money – life is too short to iron.

If the garden needs re-digging start a rumour that there is treasure in your garden then throw a party for the local 11 year olds. No one has more energy than a kid on a treasure hunt.

Tell people who sell label machines, tuppaware, and other assorted kitchen crap to fuck off. If you need to store that much food, you are buying too much or eating too little.

People who like to organise things do it because they like it. Don’t feel guilted into having a matchy-match kitchen or office space if the thought of it doesn’t give you a total lady boner. As virtuous as it looks, no one should do it for any reason other than personal satisfaction.

Bakerys are there for a reason. Cupcakes from the supermarket can be put in kitsch cupcake wrappers and sent to school with the kids with a clean conscience.

Schedule the fun stuff, your guilty conscience will ensure the jobs get done, and you will end the day a better person for it.

The most awesome people I know have houses that are a mess, because they are busy doing awesome things in it. Visit other people’s houses or get some cool friends who love your mess as much as they love you.

Staple multiple “magic mops” to your and your partner’s shirts and make love on the kitchen floor. If you are doing it right a vigorous 30 minute cleaning session should leave both you and the tiles glowing.

If your job has you out of town more than the three days a week they promised at the interview, quit and take three weeks off to sleep, eat and tell everyone you love them and you are sorry.

(And I did. And it was AWESOME!) x SN.

Want less crack in your flaps?

With all the oil and water, and Phil and John, and Rugby being done, we could all use a wee laugh.
I found this link today and had my first serious laughing out loud alone on the couch moment in forever!
Check this out for a fantastic waste of money.
I could write a feminist analysis of why this is a load of arse, but I cant see for the tears of laughter.
Someone else wanna take this one?

yours in awesomeness!
Scube,

The article I wish could have been in cleo/cosmo/dolly etc when I was 17.

“Be the best he’s ever had”
“Ten tricks to make him want you forever”
“20 things men wish you knew about sex”
“Give him the sex he craves”
“Just do this on date one”
“Be cocksure” (I couldn’t make this up if I tried! - Nov 04 edition of Cosmo.)

Good grief ladies! What the hell must you be thinking?
Whereas in the real world we get asked to pull our heads out of our own asses in order to realise what is going on around us, it seems that in the “women’s interest” media we need to pull our head out of our partner’s ass in order to realise what is going on.

Come on out, it’s ok. Come on... You aren’t going to find anything useful up there; you may as well come out and learn something.

There is one simple fact of importance here, and that is that no one’s life should revolve around pleasing someone else 24/7, and after 124 years of publications (albeit not all of those were as focused on sex) Cosmo *still* seems to have missed the point.

If you want to please someone else, make yourself happy first.

So let’s try a new title line
“If you want to impress them in bed – start by impressing yourself.”

As an unhappy, unfulfilled person walking through this life, any good you do others will stink of martyrdom if you overlook your own fulfilment and joy.
No one wants a hospice nurse who looks like they wish they were dead, no one wants a home care helper who can’t crack a smile, and no one wants a childcare worker who doesn’t enjoy children’s company.

And no one wants a martyr in bed!

It doesn’t matter how many mags we read with info on how to please someone else. It doesn’t matter how perfect our technique is. No matter how experienced or inexperienced, or how firm or wobbly we are, no one wants sex to be just about them.
If it is only going to be about one person you may as well just masturbate. You get exactly what you want when you want it. You save on the effort of dating and don’t have to deal with messy things like feelings and personalities.

But sex isn’t like that. It’s about testing boundaries, as well as enjoying the same old stuff.
It’s about feeling someone else enjoy your body, and knowing they love seeing you having fun.
It’s NOT 60 positions in 60 minutes, and impressing other people whether you like it or not.

So for goodness sakes slow down.

Wait to have your first time with someone else, until you have had your first time with yourself.
Guys are perfectly open about masturbation and they seem to be quite comfortable with letting people know what they need, want, and like, in bed.
Women don’t really talk about it, and can sometimes remain a mystery and that in itself is an enigma. It doesn’t help us, and it sure doesn’t help our partners.
The only time keeping what you want and need a secret is going to work out well is if you are in a lesbian relationship with someone with the EXACT same tastes and needs as you.
Good luck finding that!

So figure out what you like, how you like it, and what works for you, without even involving another person.
That way when you do get around to letting someone else into your sphere of sexual experience, they don’t have to play guessing games that are set up for them to lose.

Have fun, and remember; if you are enjoying yourself... chances are your partner is too.

My response to a hoax email.

I received an email from multiple sources and it only took me one news reference check and a phone call to establish it was a hoax... why do people not check references???

Below is the original email and my reply.

Know what money you are carrying! Or pay using Eftpos you will see why as you read!
Be sure every lady is aware of this. Share it with your wife and daughters. Know what money you are carrying!
Criminals are coming up with craftier, less threatening methods of attack, so we have to be extra cautious. Read on.

At approximately 5:15 a.m. I was on my way to work. I stopped at the Mobil Station Quay st City to get petrol.
I purchased $10 petrol and a Diet Coke. I took into the store two
$5 bills and four $1 coins (just enough to make my purchases ).

As I pulled away from the store, a man approached my car from the back side of the store (an unlit area). He was an approachable-looking' man (clean cut, clean shaven, dressed well, etc.). He walked up to my window and knocked. Since I'm very paranoid and 'always looking for the rapist or killer,' I didn't open the window I just asked what he wanted. He raised a $5 bill to my window and said, 'You dropped this.' Since I knew I had gone into the store with a certain amount of money, I knew
I didn't drop it.When I told him it wasn't mine, he began hitting the window and door, screaming at me to open my door, and insisting that I had dropped the money!

At that point, I just drove away as fast as I could. After talking to the Police at Auckland Central and spoke with Detective Kevin Hooper describing the man I saw, and the way he escalated from calm and polite to angry and volatile....it was determined that I could have possibly encountered the killer
myself.

Up to this point, it had been unclear as to how he had gained access to his victims, since there has been no evidence of forced entry into victim's homes, cars, etc and he is also the main suspect in the Stabbing case which took place in upmarket Remuera involving a 53 yo lady on March 26th , 2010.
And the fact that he has been attacking in the daytime, when women are less likely to have their guard up, means he is pretty BOLD.

So think about it...what gesture is nicer than returning money to someone that dropped it?????

How many times would you have opened your window (or door) to get your money and say thank you.... because if the person is kind enough to return something to you, then he can't really be a threat....can he????
Please be cautious! This might not have been the serial killer... but anyone that gets that angry over someone not accepting money from them, can't have honourable intentions. The most important thing to note is his reaction was! NOT WHAT I EXPECTED! A total surprise! But what might have happened if I had opened my door? I shudder to think!

Forward this to everyone you know...maybe they can be as fortunate as
I was!

P.S . Ladies, really DO forward this to EVERYONE you know Even if this
wasn't a serial killer, he looked nice, he seemed polite, he was
apparently doing an act of kindness, but HE WAS NOT A NICE PERSON!!!
Men send it to all the women in your life. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. Makeit a good one!
Please copy, paste and send this to anyone you think might benefit from this story.


And then my reply...

Thanks for the email regarding a first person account of an attack attempt at Quay Street Mobil.
In the email a man tries to trick a woman into opening her car door by saying she dropped money.
Please forward this email on to the person who originally sent you the email and anyone you may have forwarded it to...

The stabbing which is referenced here is written about on this news website here
The woman who died was stabbed by another woman (probably known to her).
Detective Kevin Hooper denies knowing about the case, and combined with the misinformation about the stabbing case I’m led to think the email is a hoax.
The safety message is no less valid, but statistically speaking NZ women are less safe in their own homes, or on a date than they are walking streets alone.
Some key things to remember.
As a woman in NZ you are more likely to experience sexual assault than a stabbing.

Stats according to rape crisis NZ are that
In 90% of reported rapes the attacker was known to the victim prior to the assault.
Breaking down that 90%...
31% blood relatives
25% friends or social contacts
13% partners or spouses
11% family related by marriage
8% dating partners
7% professionals (like doctors or teachers)
5% work colleagues.

So, teach your family that no matter how rude it is they can reject friendly advances if it feels bad. If hugging Uncle Joe makes you feel ‘yucky’ you don’t have to. Listening to your own feelings of discomfort about someone is a skill we tend to suppress.

Final point.
You can’t always spot the bad guy, or girl.
It is NEVER the victims fault – rape is not a crime of sex, but aggression.
Women and men get assaulted at all ages, all looks, and all types of dress.

PS - Most service stations have security cameras up the Waazoo and lockable doors which make them a great “safe house” to call for help, or a ride if you are ever stranded.