Why I think you are Creepy.

I started to write a piece on what sends out warning signs for “rapey” behaviour, and before I got too far I decided I wanted current examples from twitter discussions. Scrolling through the conversations happening under the terms rape and consent on twitter I came to a startling realisation.I had never considered why someone would argue in support of someone’s rape behaviour, and I suddenly realised that my firm belief that most people are decent humans and wouldn’t deliberately hurt someone goes completely against what I see every day – assholes gagging to argue with me about what they are “allowed” (see legal definition of rape) to do to someone else’s body.

People on what I would call “My side” of the argument (pro-consent, anti-rape-culture) were making impassioned pleas for people to stop and listen to the idea that they should wait for full consent.

-To try to understand that simply not fighting back isn’t consent

-To stop minimising how fucking traumatic date rape is just because the victim knows the rapist.

In one particularly revolting discussion they failed to make a man understand that a wife has the right to refuse sex, and ignoring that refusal IS rape.

In most of these arguments a man (I try REALLY hard not to make this a gender issue because rape affects both men and women, but I’m sorry to say the majority of rapists are cis men.) is working his little heart out to validate his point. Getting really worked up, really distressed and at times incredibly ANGRY trying to make the point that is not REALLY rape because

And I suddenly thought... why the hell they are fighting SO HARD for their rights to someone else’s body.

I could only come up with 3 possible answers

1)    They are so sheltered they genuinely have no idea of how horrific these discussions are for many people, and they are so privileged they genuinely believe it, and so arrogant they won’t consider that they might be wrong.

2)    They have acted in a manner that would fit under the heading of rape, but isn’t straightforward violent, stereotypical rape, and they only just realised that, and they are fighting for their reputation, even if it’s just to feel ok about themselves.

3)    They genuinely believe they have the right over other people’s bodies at certain times, or with certain people, or under certain circumstances.

Group one and three are easily solved with a better understanding of rape culture from the get-go, better education of men and women about consent, and a society that supports people’s right to choose. I’m going to leave them to one side except to say that if you fit in those categories sit down, shut up, and listen. JUST LISTEN. Maybe you will learn something.

I don’t think group 3 are particularly common, until you start to raise the issue of inebriation. And then the line gets really freaking blurry, and there are a scary number of “good people” who will fight a person’s right to bodily autonomy because they WANT them and the target isn’t in their right mind anymore.

And then it struck me like I had run into a wall.

All these people fighting alongside me are fighting for the right to never be touched again if that is their choice. This choice hurts no one, and changes no one else’s life. But it means the WORLD to us.
Those fighting against us are fighting for their right to someone else’s body, on their terms when they want it.  Just because they WANT IT. They don’t NEED it. It doesn’t change their world or make them a different person. They just WANT it.
You SERIOUSLY think that your right to someone else’s body is more important than anything else.
You will fight tooth and nail for that right.
What do you get if you lose that right? Nothing. You get to go home and have sex with yourself.

What do I lose if you rape me? A sense of bodily autonomy, safety, strength, health. I lose a lot for your “right” to touch me.

So you people arguing the ins and outs of ‘date rape’ or ‘is it really rape if you have had sex before’ or ‘is it rape if she is my wife’. Either you are so fucking selfish that your right to pleasure using another body is more important than my bodily autonomy…

Or you aren’t actually arguing about sex at all. The ingrained sense of entitlement to someone else’s body is so strong that you are scared that you won’t just walk away and leave the drunk girl passed out on the couch. You are frightened that your communication is so crap that you won’t see the signs that they don’t want you to keep touching them but they are too scared to speak.

And you don’t want to be charged as a criminal.
That’s why you seem creepy.
Either you are arguing THAT passionately for your right to MY body...  Or you have already decided that you want it, don’t have enough control to wait until I’m sober/conscious/in a better frame of mind, will take it, and are arguing that you shouldn’t be charged.

Creepy. Super super creepy.

Have some self-control. Yeah, maybe you will have less sex with other people, but who the hell told you that was a right, rather than something you earn IF someone cares enough about you, or finds you appealing enough to suit their tastes.

I can tell you right now that if someone left a note in my purse at a party saying “wow, you were toasted, and I really like you, call me when you are sober and we can hook up” I would probably call that person.

Consent, it’s sexy.

How could this happen? - T/W

T/W - Discusses rape, victim blaming, and the Roast Busters case.

How could this happen?

I’ve heard so many people in the last week ask “how could this happen?” “How could this go on for so long?”, “why don’t the girls come forward?” when talking about the news about the repulsive predatory behaviour of a group of young men.

Tragically, they usually answer the question themselves, and in a bitter aftertaste, most don’t even recognise thatthey are the answer.

The next step in the lunch room conversation is to speculate about the victims of sexual crime, and “young people today”. What women are wearing, where they are going, who they are choosing to hang out with.

Why is the next logical step in breaking down the cause of a crime to look at the victim? Why not the assailant?

Why not our culture, which allows young men to feel so entitled to sex that there is a socially acceptable term for a friendship with a WOMAN WHO WONT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. (Friend zone). Like having a friend is some kind of hardship.

What is wrong with us?
I sort of understand. If we can find some “otherness” about victims, then we can fib to ourselves, and be reassured that if we are not like them, we will not be hurt.

If we jump over cracks, and turn the light switch on and off, cover our knees, and do not wear high heels we will somehow be immune to the Bad Man, who is some mythical boogie monster.

We need to turn 180 degrees, stop investigating the victims like there is some kind of magic thing that makes them a good target, and start looking at why we have young men with repeat predatory behaviour by the time they hit their teens.

Why do men rape is an incredibly complex question, but why do they CONTINUE?

Because they can.

Because the victims are put on trial too.
Because being unable to say no is STILL being treated like the equivalent of yes.
Because people still truly believe that rapists are the bad man in the darkest corner of our public parks or night club.
Because when someone is attacked, we avert our eyes from the normal looking rapist, and speculate on what makes a victim.
Because the victim’s reputation is under attack in the media and their community as much as the perpetrator.

We are asking the wrong questions. We should be asking what makes a rapist.

If your response to these stories was any question about the nature of the victims YOU are part of what makes attackers stronger, more confident, and more likely to re-offend.

That's how this can happen.

The Baying Mob or How I carry a torch.

So, you are horrified by the “Roast Busters”, and want to make a difference, but what can you do? 

In my more frustrated moments, I would love to be that person carrying a torch at the front of a baying mob, crying for justice and making a difference to the outcome of a trial of people who have hurt someone else.

But we don’t live in a village of 100 people. These young men are not the only people out there perpetrating sex crimes. And we HAVE a justice system. It is flawed, but we need to use it so the flaws are SEEN, and changed, and our system can evolve with our understanding of right and wrong. An example of this is that rape used to be legal within marriage, and the laws evolved for the better with our societal changes.

We can’t nor should we, start a mob of people, so here are some ideas for how you can be brave, and carry your torch out into the community and really make a difference.

Be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Volunteer. Work on help lines. Or just be a strong and vocal voice for justice so that people see you as a safe refuge or support when they need it. Advocate for friends who need a voice. Speak for those still too traumatised to speak. Hold your friend’s hand when they decide they are brave enough to speak up, or pursue justice.

Be the voice of reality.

This issue is raising the topic of “what could possibly make young men behave this way.”

Remind people that 1 in 4 women are raped. This act is not a rarity and we live in a rape culture.

It is raising the question of “how to avoid being a victim”

Remind people that: most victims know their rapist.

That most rapes occur in thevictim, or rapist’s home.

That the rapist drinking is of more importance than the victim as far as causation.

Be the person brave enough to discuss “consent”.

People are often confused about what rape is. We need to start talking about the fact that rape isn’t what the media tells us.

Its subtle, it’s discreet, it is friends, it is family. It is quiet, it is dangerous, and it is under reported.

 You can inform them that in research when men are asked if they have “raped” most will say no. But when men are asked if they have “forced a woman who was not your wife or girlfriend at the time to have sex,” or if they had ever “had sex with a woman who was too drunk or drugged to indicate whether she wanted it.” 

That answer changes significantly.*

Be the person who knows the facts.

When talking about false reports, there are more false reports for stolen cars than false reports for rape. As a crime it is under reported and really badly dealt with.

                      This image from the USA is incredibly depressing, and NZ is no better off.

Image is from http://theenlivenproject.com/the-truth-about-false-accusation/ 

Be the killjoy.

Be the person at your work, or social gatherings who when someone makes a rape joke, you look blankly at them and ask why it’s funny. If they have to explain it, it becomes apparent very quickly the rape culture we are living in.

Be the support person.

Be the person who listens without judgement, believes the person talking about abuse, and helps them with WHATEVER THEY CHOOSE TO DO.

Be the person advocating body autonomy for the children and young people around you.

Ask before you hug or kiss friends, family or other people you greet.

When kids don’t want to give you a kiss or hug hello or goodbye, say “that’s ok, kisses and hugs are special and we can ALWAYS choose when to give them.” Empower young people to understand that touch is a choice, and their bodies are their own to control.

Be the person supporting those on the front line.

Donate, remind those around you to donate, and when there are competitions for funding, support organisations who help.

Not everyone can carry every torch and they are ALL important. Support the other torch bearers. Carry someone else’s for a while to lighten their load.  Accept that we will all need to take a break sometimes.

But as long as we are casting light in our own communities, that will spread, and other people will find the strength to start standing with us.

My love to everyone on the front lines.

X

*These quotes are from the WHO study, and are therefore gendered in this way.

Winners can’t be victims?

Massive trigger warning for rape and assault, domestic violence, and victim blaming.

Please note that I repeatedly use the term Victim in this piece. This is a term a lot of people choose to leave behind in their recovery from assault, domestic violence and rape, for the purpose of moving on, and empowerment.
Please understand that the term is used to point out the power imbalance in the scenarios given, and is not meant with disrespect.

Much love to those survivors out there.

 

There has been a lot of discussion on gaming and feminist sites around the rape joke at Microsoft's E3 Reveal. I have a few points I want to make.

Firstly, those two people were supposed to be showing how FUN gaming is, how great the new console is, and why people should buy it. They were supposed to be the epitome of what is awesome about gaming.

And rape jokes were a part of that.
This rubbish is so ingrained in the culture that not only did it happen, but it happened at a “show” about how fun gaming is. Could you isolate some of your audience any more if you TRIED?

My second point is less about this specific incident, but about the responses to it.

I found something very interesting with regards to the response in support of the “joke”.

In multiple cases, they pointed out that “in the end” the woman gamer won.

 

Can someone please explain to me what about winning makes an assault/rape/victimisation less real or awful?
Yes, that woman eventually won the bout (don’t even get me started on staging that) but at a point in time, the other gamer made a reference that most people in the room, certainly any rape victim understood.

“Just let it happen. It will be over soon."

There are phrases that I am very, verycareful not to use with patients. One of those phases is “it will be over soon.”There are few things more triggering than hearing the exact phrase an attacker used, coming out of the mouth of someone you thought was safe. I can only imagine that then hearing a ROOM of people laughing at that phrase would be truly sickening.

So I think some people agree with me that that particular phrase was Not OK. So what about the fact that she won, suddenly made it ok?

What about a woman turning around and stabbing her rapist makes what he did less of a rape?
What about winning a court case and sending some pack rapists to jail makes a teenage girl less of a victim, and more of someone who “stole someone’s future’?
What about a successful life makes someone an unbelievable victim?

The minimisation of the trauma of assault due to surrounding circumstances is common.

“She was asking for it”

“They were friends for a long time”
“He had a history of promiscuity”

But this whole “winners aren’t victims”thing is more subtle, and just as dangerous.

Bad things happen to successful people. Ask anyone who works with domestic violence cases. Some of the shiniest homes with the biggest incomes have hidden bruises inside.

People who are in the spotlight due to great success are not immune to the cruelties of the world.

And this is REALLY important people. The person who is smart, and eloquent, and able to fight back is NO LESS a victim than those who cannot. Rape is still rape.
It doesn’t matter how many fights, or court cases, or reputations you win back.
The person who perpetrated an assault, did something WRONG.
No matter how many rights happen after that, the wrong doesn’t go away.

Quit making this about the victim's actions, before, after or during the event. Let’s start looking at the perpetrators.

An open letter to the NZ media about Slutwalk.

Dear NZ media.
I will be attending tomorrow’s “slutwalk” and I am so scared I am seriously considering not going.
I am scared that you will film me, and then use my image to misinterpret what is happening and why I am there.
I am scared that it will affect my job.
I am scared my boyfriend and I’s friends and family will think less of us.
I am scared that people who do rape and assault women will see me, and that will make me more of a target than simply being a young woman already does.
This march is TERRIFYING on so many levels.

But I WILL BE THERE.
But I will be there because I want to raise kids in a country where they do not have to drop rape charges just because they have had sex in the past, and their dating history is visible online.
I want to raise my kids in a country where the first question the police ask is “are you ok?” not “did you fight back?”
I want to hear that my kids can talk about their experiences of assault without the event being a mark on THIER reputation.
I want victim blaming to STOP NOW.

So let’s start with you shall we?
Here is how we will start.

Use our full quotes, don’t cherry pick my words to portray me as anything other than as how I present myself. My mother, great uncle, boss and friends will be watching the news.

Please accept that 99.99% of the attendees are not ACTUALLY marching for their right to wear a short skirt. We can already do that, as noted in all the judgemental footage of the viaduct that you use when covering the drinking culture in NZ.

Please do not only use footage of those dressed provocatively to cover the march – show footage of the wide range of men and women attending.

Please don’t show footage of us crying and call us victims. We are survivors.

Please don’t use footage of us shouting and make assumptions about why we are angry, or whether we should be.

Try for once to actually RESEARCH what we are marching about rather than just guessing by looking at us.

Make it very clear that we are not angry at one ignorance Canadian policeman.
Here are some nice quotes from rape crisis that you can use.

We are angry that we get judged for what we wear even though only 3% of offenders in NZ are actually strangers.

We are angry that people still feel comfortable saying someone is “rape bait” or “asking for it” because of what they wear or how they behave, when we would NEVER make the assumption that someone is a prospective rapist just because they have had a few drinks. What is the difference in judgement?

We are angry that the media spends very little time identifying that it is ok to set boundaries - even with people you love, and lots of time on what we wear when the majority of our offenders are blood relatives (30%) or a friend/acquaintance (30%) of the survivor.

We are angry that you waste time discussing where rape occurred as though we can prevent it by avoiding dark places. Those dark alleyways are in the minority of cases. Most rapes occur IN OUR OWN HOMES (61% of reports)

We are angry that you continue with thoughtless reporting, which adds to an environment where we feel so unsafe about this culture of blame that we DONT REPORT.
(56% were not reported to the Police)

Thank you for your time, I will see you tomorrow.
Kind regards,
Scube

Paul Quinn's response to our outcry.

This post refers to yesterday's episode of Backbenchers and the post I wrote last night.


Other than a quick (not-sorry) tweet Paul Quinn has not fronted to the numerous people on twitter and other social media questioning his comments, today TVNZ (reported by stuff with video link) had the following response from him…

Quinn said he hadn't heard the slutwalk presentation (a great brief from Pollyanne Pena) and didn't understand why he was being asked the question.
He ''absolutely regretted'' the misinterpretation.
''I couldn't hear the speaker's presentation and I didn't know what she said. Wallace asked me what did I think of girls wearing short skirts at 2am in the morning in Courtenay [Place]. I looked at him and thought 'what the hell is he asking me that for?'
''Clearly rape is not justified for anything.
''I thought the question was around drunkenness on Courtenay Place at 2am. That's what I thought the discussion was initially about. Others started talking about rape and I thought what the hell are they talking about.''
He added: ''The mis-interpretation was around the fact that I hadn't heard what the discussion was about. I explained that to them afterwards.''

So let me clarify, you didn’t know what they were talking about, and so launching into a tirade about women still being out at 6am partying was the best response?

And then when Wallace Chapman clarified the question by saying ''Do you think there is something to this idea that girls ask for it...they'll be saying that?''
Then you STILL didn’t understand?
What did you think you were talking about?
Girls who go out partying and drinking til all hours are asking for:
help?
A lecture?
A headache?
A bad reputation?
A pregnancy?
A theft of their purse?

What exactly DID you think you were talking about Paul? Because I cant think of anything that someone asks for by going and drinking other than (and this may surprise you):getting drunk.

And later, once it was VERY clear, and Trevor Mallard had very clearly stated that there is NEVER a reason for rape you felt the need to clarify.
At this point it should have surely been the clarification that you didn’t realise they were discussing assault?
No, what you said was…

“I should, I should say… Your question was aimed at women, so I responded to women – boys are just the same”
Yep. Don’t want to leave those boys out.
So men, if you get raped, it is probably because you were asking for it too.
And boys…
No I’m sorry, I’m not even going there.
I feel sick.

I think the country needs an apology, and an acknowledgement that this attitude is not ok.
I would love to see a live debate on one of our news stations, between several panelists, because the more we bring this topic out in the open, the quicker we can change this crap.

If anyone does want to write to Paul his email address is paul.quinn@national.org.nz

I'm convinced that we need slutwalk here and NOW

I was willing to understand a police officer making a stupid comment out of genuine concern, at a small gathering. I get that some people who work in Law enforcement get tired of going to scenes of abuse and rape and would do anything to stop them, even try to protect people from the wrong direction.
I did wonder at times if slut walk was an over reaction to a small incident, and then I thought about all the jerks (and wonderful people) that I know who genuinely believe that what women wear has a part in whether they are raped or not.

Tonight’s episode of “Backbenches” sealed my resolve to attend and promote the Auckland branch of Slutwalk on June 25th.

I give the police a long leash, giving that they are on the front line of violence and the sicker levels of our society, but politicians are another breed altogether. By the time you have worked in high level corporate, and then had 3 years in parliament I would expect that you would
A) Have a good grasp of the smooth lines people want to hear.
B) Know when to keep your mouth shut if what you believe is blatantly misogynous.
Wouldn’t you Paul Quinn??

But no…

On tonight’s episode of Backbenches Paul (and the entire room and cameras) was told why slutwalk is occurring. He was asked to weigh in on women’s clothing choices and the link with assault.
And his response (I am waiting for a direct quote here and what follows is from memory – so please forgive any inaccuracy) was to reply that alcohol intake was more of a risk and women who went out drinking until all hours were putting themselves at risk.
He also made some disparaging comments about people in short skirts being out at 6am when he goes to the gym.
– Because us sluts really should be nocturnal, and we are asking for it – right?

This is someone who was being beamed out to the entire nation, who is in charge of policy decisions and represents the people of this country.
He didn’t even look EMBARRASED!

This is why we need Slutwalk, because the perception that victims are EVER to blame for an assault or rape is entirely wrong and incredibly sick.
And yet it is not rare, and this has proved that it is pervasive enough that even our political leaders feel comfortable expressing these themes.
And that is not ok.

Shame on you Paul Quinn, I feel sorry for you.

Baggy clothes are not a bullet proof vest.

For those of you who (like me) have been busy with work and play, you may have missed the flurry of conversation and bloggy wonder around the concept of a “Slut Walk”
There are some great conversations around what it means to individuals, and how they plan to express their own understanding of the slut walk.
Here is mine.

I will be there, and I will be wearing a pair of baggy blue cotton pants and a matching top – a set of surgical scrubs.

My understanding of the slut walk is that Toronto Police constable Michael Sanguinetti made an ill thought out comment that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised”.
He has since apologised in writing for the comment but the fact of the matter is that the concept of a correlation between clothing/image and sexual assault is so deeply ingrained in our thought process that it didn’t even pause coming out of his mouth at a public speaking engagement in the line of duty.
This baffles me.
Most people (men and women) who are assaulted have to go through the questioning of what they did before and during an assault, and I understand the need to fully understand the crime scene so as to better bring justice.
This should always be done with respect and sensitivity.
I cannot comment on adult services, but in Auckland we have a wonderful unit for children, with specially trained nurses, safe places, soft toys, and a respect for the word ‘NO’ treatment and forensics takes as long the child needs to take.
Guilt on either side should not be played out in the media.
Who is a predator, vs. who is a prostitute on the weekends should not be a coffee group discussion by people with no knowledge of the case.
Assault and rape is not funny, and I cannot understand how people I respect have told rape “jokes” IN THE WORKPLACE.

The only reason these public conversations occur is because people do not realise how widespread assault and rape is, the assumption is still that it occurs solely to women, and certainly not women we know... good grief no!
It is those women, the ones with short skirts and night jobs... the sluts.

But it isn’t.
The people affected by sexual assault are your friends, your family, and the women you like and respect. The ballsey ones who don’t take shit from anyone.
And what they were wearing at the time is irrelevant.
A short skirt does not cause a good man to suddenly turn into a rapist.
Black eyeliner and voluptuous cleavage will not force a man into grabbing the aforementioned breasts.
My baggy scrubs will not protect me if a rapist decides that they need to dominate and hurt someone and I am there.

Clothing does not cause or prevent crime. And I LOVE that the slutwalk is starting these conversations.

For those who would like to join us in the slut walk please go to Slutwalk Aotearoha.

Why not innocent until proven lier?

Can I just say it again...

I don’t know enough about the Assange rape accusations and trial process to comment on the specifics of the case.

I don’t know whether he is guilty or not guilty.
At this point, I have to assume he is not guilty.
There are women who are accusing him of rape.
I have no idea whether they are lying or not lying.
Until they are proved to have been lying (essentially a guilty verdict for a crime) they are not.

I’m not choosing sides at this point because I DONT KNOW.

Neither do you I will bet.
There are only three people who know what happened and I bet you, yes You; the asshole who sent me, and my friends messages saying we're talking out of our asses are not one of them.

Consequently you must also be talking out your ass, if you have already come to a conclusion.

What I do take issue with is the large number of people using bullshit terms and phrases that have no relevance to the case to validate their opinion.
Check out the rape apologist bingo below for some absolute gold that has been being repeated on twitter, Face book, and in the media.



My issue is that I personally know three people who have been assaulted in one fashion or another and either not reported it, or dropped charges.
All three genuinely occurred. Two resulted in medical treatment being required and one was me.

There are a large host of reasons why women don’t report rape. The biggest one is that even after going through the process of reporting, opening yourself up to forensic examination, re living it to multiple police and legal staff and your friends and family, you might not even get to see the case in court.

We haven’t even gotten to the point where rape statistics are even known properly.
But wait – there are rape stats right?
Yep - Statistics show that Sweden has one of the highest rape rates in the world.
WOW! That must mean that they have more rape than anywhere else – right?
But hold on a minute.
The Middle East has one of the lowest rape rates in the world.
A place where in some areas women are seen as second class citizens, and have no legal voice of their own has the lowest rape rates in the world – REALLY???
Oh, but hold on a minute – those statistics are taken from REPORTS.
So what I can see is that rather than the Middle East being a veritable Mecca of safety for women, is that the women simply do not report rape when it occurs.

Rape is everywhere, and affects everyone.
How we talk about it is so important, because reporting is sometimes just as hard as the rape was originally.

My friend who was brutally raped by two men, including restraints and violence didn’t even make it to charges because their defence of “we didn’t know her drink has been spiked”, the fact they knew her, and the fact she had a history of online dating was enough to lower the chance of them being convicted to zilch. The police officer she reported to gave her the advice to drop it because she would be "dragged through the mud for nothing."

My experience was with an older more powerful, much liked man.
Not only would it be unlikely that I would be believed, he didn’t get to do much because I was lucky enough to catch him by surprise, fight back and get away. Proving that I knew he had intent to continue his actions to the point of rape would have been almost impossible.

I have had someone violate my personal space and deliberately try to hurt me.
My word as an honest human with nothing to gain was not enough.

These women in the Assange case are accusing someone well liked, internationally known, and powerful.
They either have an option of a future with new names, or are the bravest women I have ever heard of.
I have to wonder why they would put themselves at risk like this for a false accusation.

I hope your opinion will not matter to the women involved in the Assange case.

They certainly will not read your little Twitter account.
Or your blog.
They don’t check your Facebook page.

But women and men you know, love, and care about do.

Women statistically have a one in four chance, and men with a one in eight chance of having been raped in the past by the time they read your post.

People who will feel the bile rise into their mouths
Their hearts race.
Their throats tighten.
They may cry.

Because you, YES YOU, are just one more person who makes it difficult to report rape.

I would like to thank Sady for her writing here and here which inspired me to stop cowering in a corner, scared of the fallout, and write on this topic.
You are an inspiration.