I’m definitely a theatre nurse.

When some-one stabs you with a sharp needle covered in a strangers blood, because they aren’t concentrating, and your response is... Oh, don’t feel bad, these things happen.
You are probably a theatre nurse.

When you walk into a house you are thinking about buying and you automatically check the ceiling…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

When you can talk for hours about topics that don’t involve anything controversial, or go for days without speaking until spoken to…

If it is a choice to brush your hair before work, because no-one will know if you don’t…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

If your nails never grow long enough to bite because of the chemicals you rub on them hundreds of times a day…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

If you can hold around 5 kilos of weight in a strange position for hours at a time…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

If, when your foot starts getting warm and wet, you just assume it has fallen asleep rather than checking if something warm and wet is leaking on it…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

If your idea of funny is body fluids in someone’s shoe…
You are probably a theatre nurse.

All my love to all you OR nurses out there.
Kia Kaha.
x

A new year.

A wise man stood in the middle of a crowded room and told a joke. The
audience laughed like crazy. After a moment he cracked the same joke again and a little less people laughed this time.
He cracked the same joke again and again, when there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said,
“When you can’t laugh on the same joke again and again, then why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again”

I realised last night as I read through some of the fervently angry, or frustrated, or heated replies to Rachel’s post on the hand mirror, that if people can get that angry at cupcakes… I hate to think what actual stressors are like.
This year is year of the dragon, and I will be trying to let trouble run off me like water off a dragon’s back. Consequently, this blog will be monitored tightly, and I will continue to only be dealing with trouble in my own posts, not borrowing from others, or fighting battles with people I know don’t want to learn.
If this makes me lazy, or limited, or privileged or whatever, I don’t care.
Because the internet isn’t everything.
That I wake in the morning with a smile for my loved ones, THAT matters.
That I can deal in a functional manner with conflict and challenges at my job… That matters.
That I continue to work outside my usual paid job as a volunteer, giving back to my community – that matters.
That I have effort left for me, the people I love, and the communities I contribute to… That MATTERS!!

So by all means, let’s meet up in the real world. Grab a drink, do some knitting, go hiking, go down and scuba-dive.
But I am done wasting time repeating the same motions, for the same negativity.

Happy new year.
Xoxo
Scube,

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein

Coming off anti-depressants.

For the last three months I have been taking anti-depressants. This was a first for me, but they were needed, and perhaps may still be(we will see), but the usual trend for me is that as soon as NZ starts getting some good long days of light I come back to my usual self.

So I had a wee chat to my doctor and we talked through the process of weaning off.

One month on a half dose, then down to nothing. If the half dose isn’t working out, I promised to go back onto full dose and we will review the situation in another month.

With my depression, it is a slow slide into it. Usually it takes a myriad of different symptoms over a decent period of time before I will accept that there is a genuine problem rather than just life/PMS/general low mood/stress/work/death causing me problems.

Because of this, and the fact I usually resolve the depression with non-pharmaceutical options, I never really had a clear view of how violently different I am when I’m depressed.

This week was my first week with my dosage halved.

With that came a very obvious change. A distinct lack of interest in anything, a drop in concentration, I lied about traffic and lay in bed instead of going to hockey.  I sulked. I had to bully myself into going to work. Once at work I was panicky, and I lost my temper easily. I even used sarcasm (for evil, not good) and this voice came back.

If you had asked me, I would have said that I have never experienced voices.
But there is one.

She is me, and I am her, but my goodness she is a BITCH.

It isn’t really a ‘voice’ as such. It is the usual inner monologue, just amplified, and apparently pretty pissed off.  A bit like having an earphone in your ears, and having a constant stream of negative updates. Imagine nav-man without the helpful directions.

Instead of “Turn right in 200 metres” It was “you are late, it doesn’t matter how fast you drive your shitty car, they know you are lazy, they know you hate coming here, they are probably talking about you right now”.
I actually sat in my car outside the hospital and said audibly “stop stop STOP” to try to stop the flow. My own physical voice cut off the inner for long enough for me to get a more positive stream going.

But it was hard work. I came home on Thursday and went to bed at 5pm, I was quite literally exhausted.

So to anyone out there, with that voice taking over.  Take a break.

When confronted with the stark contrast of “normal me” and this, it is no wonder people with depression or mental illness sometimes reach the point of self-harm or suicide.

That inner voice is a big jerk.  It tells lies. Worse than that, it twists the truth to expose the brutal cruelty in the world that we usually ignore.

Take a break; you don’t have to do this alone. Get some TLC, listen to music, go for a walk, eat good food, have a cuddle, masturbate, meet with friends, keep up your sunlight hours.
It won’t stop it right away, but keep fighting.

Seek help, talk to professionals

If the professionals don’t make you feel safer or better, find a professional who is good at what they do.

But keep fighting.

Life without depression is amazing and wonderful. It is like the difference between a grainy black and white film, and the latest full colour 3D masterpiece.

It is worth fighting for.

All my love,

Scube.

An Ironic Juxtaposition:

jux•ta•po•si•tion / [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uh n]
noun
an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

An Ironic Juxtaposition: Twilight Vs. White ribbon day.

Some people will say “ahhh I have heard this rant before”. Some people may be on the “huh?” side of things.

When I read the first twilight book I had shudders. I read the entire series because A) they were easy to read, and B) I wanted to see exactly how dysfunctional things got.
If twi-hards read my blog, at this point I’m sure you are thinking “What the HELL!! This is TRUE LOVE, look what they GO THROUGH TO BE TOGETHER!!!” (More than three exclamation marks to a fan is as glitter to the vamps)

Actually, true love means doing the best for your partner. In the example of the twilight characters it would be him never talking to her and walking the hell away, since at their age difference it is essentially paedophilia.

Having been in an abusive relationship I know exactly how romantic it is.
The massive ups and downs. Having them tell you that they are sorry, it is just that they love you SO MUCH. After I broke up with him it advanced to more fully fledged stalking, and abuse. Even then there were 17 year olds cooing about how romantic he was. WTF is romantic about someone following you, or sitting outside your house and just watching?

Seeing as 12 years hasnt improved anyone's comprehension of romance vs dysfunction, I am going to lay out the stark facts. These thanks to the Sophie Elliot Foundation (I found her case terrifyingly close to home).

Early signs of abuse in relationships

Power and control
Is obsessive. Tells you who you can see, what clothes to wear, how to have your hair or makeup. Often says, “If you love me you will …”

Possessiveness
Wants to know where you going, who you are with, when you will be home, and so on. Displays stalking behaviours such as following you, accusing you of being unfaithful, flirting, and so on.

Isolates you
Stops you or makes it difficult for you to see your family or friends. Sulks or is moody when your family or friends are around, and makes you feel uncomfortable until they are gone.

Threats
Is abusive to you, or about your family, friends or pets. Indulges in name calling, and physical and emotional threats. Says things like, “I will leave you if …”, “I will hurt you if ….”. Nasty behaviour towards pets is a frequent early warning sign.

Suicide threats
Says things like:
“I need you.”
“You’re the only one who understands me.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“If you leave me I will hurt myself.”
“I need help; please help me.”

Changeable/volatile behaviour
Is erratic – nice one minute or day, and abusive and nasty the next. Blames you for his behaviour. “You make me react that way”, “if you did this, or didn’t do that I wouldn’t get so angry.” You feel like you are walking on egg shells and constantly “trying to make him happy.”

Sexual
Is coercive, pressuring you to do things you don’t want to. Takes no responsibility for contraception, seeing it as “your problem”.

Physical abuse
Says he loves you but then physically abuses you, by hitting, punching, choking, or pushing. Often has a history of previous abuse.

Communication
Is haphazard and unreliable. Leaves you to do the contacting and keeps you dangling. You are left confused and don’t know what he wants. Doesn’t appear to be telling you the truth about what he is doing and says “it’s none of your business”. Makes you feel crazy, or jealous, or insecure when that is not how you usually feel.

So with the above in mind, have a go at the quiz below… and let me know if you still think Edward should be held up as the ultimate boyfriend.



Some Facts about Abusive Relationships thanks to Living without violence NZ, and other references.

One woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner in New Zealand every four weeks. Approximately half of all homicides in New Zealand are family violence related.

66% of women seeking Women’s Refuge help are 17-35 years old. In 2009, 26.1% of refuge clients were aged 16 – 25 years old. (New Zealand Women’s Refuge 2006, 2010)

One in three New Zealand women experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a partner during their lifetime.

25 per cent of those convicted of ‘male assaults female’ in 2006 were 15 – 24 years old, with 44% of all those convicted being under 29 years old. (Ministry of Justice, 2008)

In any one year, one woman in five will experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a partner.

15-24 year olds are the age group most at risk of physical, psychological and sexual victimisation from current and ex-partners. (New Zealand National Survey of Crime Victims, 2006)

One in five New Zealand men are subjected to violence by their partners.

One woman dies approximately every 26 days at the hand of her partner or former partner. We estimate that over 20 women have been murdered since Sophie in 2008. (Roundtable for Violence Against Women)

93 out of every 100 domestic violence cases in New Zealand are male assault female.

In 2009, nearly 75% of the 29 female murder victims were killed by offenders identified as a family member or partner. (Police Statistics on Culpable deaths in New Zealand, April 2010)

About 10 children are killed every year in New Zealand by a member or members of their own family.

Women’s Refuge receive a crisis call every 9 minutes. New Zealand police receive a domestic violence crisis call every 7 minutes. (Its Not Ok, 2010)

The annual cost of family violence in New Zealand is at least $1.2 billion.

37% of protection order applications and 25% of respondents are under 29 years old. (Family Court Statistics, 2007)

Family violence is a major problem in New Zealand but by reaching out for help all of us can begin to change the cycle of abuse and violence.

48 per cent of couples at age 21 years old reported having been involved in physical partner violence. (Dunedin Longitudinal Study, Moffitt and Caspi, 1999)


NB: Please note that the above stats and info relating to “Male” to “female” violence is due to the current white ribbon campaign. Abuse can occur in the reverse and cisgender men and women are not the only identity included within this data.

Want less crack in your flaps?

With all the oil and water, and Phil and John, and Rugby being done, we could all use a wee laugh.
I found this link today and had my first serious laughing out loud alone on the couch moment in forever!
Check this out for a fantastic waste of money.
I could write a feminist analysis of why this is a load of arse, but I cant see for the tears of laughter.
Someone else wanna take this one?

yours in awesomeness!
Scube,

Your morality is in the way of my rights...

One of the key arguments that are being thrown at me about abortion is that it "isn’t just about me".
No, it isn’t. However I cannot think of anyone other than me who should have the decision making ability in this situation. The choice to carry, birth and raise an entire human IS MY CHOICE and it should not be illegal, or unsafe to terminate, if I should choose to, just because YOU don’t like it.

It's not about the Cup.

RWC is over, and if you dont love Rugby there is probably something that gets you fizzing… Netball? Rodeo? Gymnastics? Chess? Debating? Philosophy? Theology?

Now I know that a large number of you will jerk your heads up at my putting the latter two in the same list as sports, but I have my reasons.
Philosophy and theology allow one or two things similar to debates and sports. You pick a side and you stand there, fighting for territory. I was watching university students debate philosophy and realised that the back and forth felt like a game. Internet arguments can evolve into downright blood sport when you add a couple of gods in there.

I love rugby.
Not because it is the best sport in the world or a sport which appeals especially to me.
I love Rugby because of a long line of my family have loved it.
I love rugby because the smell of home brew and the sound of a whistle bring back fond memories of curling up between my grandparents and being jolted awake by them shouting at the ref.
I love rugby because my entire country loves it, the media follows it closely, and the people who impact my life choose to talk about the game at work.
I love rugby because it is a socially acceptable reason to scream and yell and cry and rejoice with my friends and family.
I hung off the side of a balcony last night and let loose with what can only be described as a primal scream when we won the world cup. With that scream I released frustration at needing medication for my depression. I grieved that this will be the last world cup my Nan will see. I howled at the unfairness of my previous job.
And I screamed with joy that I was surrounded by people I loved; all celebrating a win that helped us to all feel the same thing at the same time.

Last night we could hear what felt like the entire city going bat-shit at the same time we were. We gloried in the fact that while we were anxious, so was everyone else.
I felt content knowing that I wasn’t alone, and win or lose, tomorrow I would be happy or disappointed together with others.

So to all those who dislike rugby and the culture it brings with it, I understand.
But you need to understand that it isn’t about the Prize, the cup, or even the game...

It’s about someone else understanding how I feel. About hugging strangers, and being part of something. Superficially it is about the fight/conflict. On a far deeper level it is about being a part of something bigger than ourselves.
And after the year NZ has had, we could use a little unity.