I’ve been tucking my chin in and getting on with things for a while now.
When you go through big life changes, like health issues, or bereavement, or the break-up of a relationship (or all three in a month) people tell you it’s “expected” to feel empty, or alone, or hollow or any other shitty feeling. They don’t tell you what’s missing though. It seemed rather silly to me, that when I had been relatively unhappy in a relationship for a while before it ended, that there would be such a huge gap after leaving. Why would the loss of something I didn’t want any more feel so huge?
And it was huge. But there had been a gap for a lot longer than the break up and part of my frustration was that even with another person, I still cried myself to sleep and felt terribly alone.
The other day I found myself smiling for no apparent reason. I danced along to music in the kitchen, that only weeks ago was background noise. One evening I did an epic slide in my socks in our hallway, rather than simply trudging to the toilet like any normal person.
This isn’t just mundane happiness, it’s a real spark, real hope. Real Joy.
I hadn’t realised it was missing until it came back, and god I had been missing it. I am naturally a very joyful person. I love life, and most of what it has to offer. Most of the time my natural inclination when offered something new to me is to clap my hands in excitement and give it my best shot.
How had I not noticed it missing? Bloody hell, I should have been sadder, more disappointed in myself, and life, that I had lost that spark. I didn’t even notice.
Now it’s back I want to stroke its hair and cradle it, and tell it that it was missed, and never to go again. I’m sure there will be more times in the future without it, and with good reason, but I am glad I can appreciate it when it’s here. My entire being is glowing from a warmth that is stoked only by me, and my experiences.
In the last ten years those truly joyful times have happened at the start of wonderful things like relationships, or adventures overseas. It’s nice to know that simply having a fulfilling life is enough to bring me joy. Right now I am reliant on no one to make me feel whole, and my joy is my own. It’s a nice feeling.
I want to curl up and hug myself, because it’s good to be back.