National Party alleged rape culture

TW: Discussion of rape culture.

In all the anger about the revelations in Nicky Hager’s book, I’ve seen massive discussions and posts about the SIS, Judith Collins’s toxic behaviour, and the various systems of corruption visible in the transcripts.
Mainstream media has been transfixed on Cameron Slater, Kim Dotcom, and the Key personalities involved (capitalisation and pun intended). There have been angry ripples through the left wing and feminist blogosphere, but I’ve been saddened to see that neither the mainstream media nor the right wing feminists picking up on this particular piece of revoltingness.

thanks to @boganetteNZ for the image

If we cast our minds back to the roast busters case where the entire nation was in an uproar (rightly so) because of the rape culture of our young people,  Prime Minister John Key condemned the alleged actions of the Roast Busters gang as "extremely disturbing and disgusting behaviour".  
"I guess, as a parent, I find the issue very disturbing and abhorrent really.”
"I mean, you are talking about youngsters who are at a very delicate age."
"These young guys should just growup,"

Just to clarify, a grown man knows that young people are vulnerable.

A grown man wants kids to “grow up” and presumably grow out of the toxic rape culture they seem to be embracing.
And what are some of the fully grown adult male supporters of the national party doing?
Deliberately getting young women drunk and pointing out “easy targets” for other National party supporters.
National party; these are your men, your party, your culture. This is your problem.
The fact that someone allegedly sent this email means that they feel so comfortable with the idea of what they are planning to do they were happy to write it down. Comfortable with seeing women as a faceless commodity. Comfortable with the idea that they have the right to compromise the sobriety of women, and deliberately pass “references” on to a group of men.
This comfort means that the rape culture is pervasive, it is normalised, and it is persistent.
Mainstream media, PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME how all of a sudden this rape culture isn’t news worthy? Explain to me how, once the perpetrators are adults, and affiliated with our leading political party – THIS ISNT NEWS??

Young Nats, please talk to your friends. Check in, ensure they are ok.

If you think you have been a target, please consider seeking help or support around this. At the bottom of this post are some resources you can use without having to report officially, if you aren’t ready to take that step yet.
A toxic rape culture isn’t a single individual.
At no point in this scenario are the targets to blame. They are at their own party event.
They are among people they look up to and need as mentors and leaders.
The idea that they are being used by these men and treated with such disrespect makes me feel sick.

 

Find a sexual support centre near you at the Rape prevention education website “get help” page.

 

Wellington rape crisis
(04) 801 8973
Email: support@wellingtonrapecrisis.org.nz

 

Auckland Sexual Abuse Help
PO Box 10345 Dominion Road
Crisis 24 hrs: 09 623 1700
Fax: 09 623 1296
E-mail: crisisteam@sexualabusehelp.org.nz

 

Hamilton Rape and Sexual Abuse Healing Centre
PO Box 1560, Hamilton
Phone: 07 839 4433
Fax: 07 839 4422
E-mail: HamRapeCrisis@xtra.co.nz

 

Whangarei Rape Crisis
72 Robert St, PO Box 913, Whangarei
Phone: 09 438 6221
Fax: 09 548 6779
E-mail: whgrcrisis@xtra.co.nz

An Ironic Juxtaposition:

jux•ta•po•si•tion / [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uh n]
noun
an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

An Ironic Juxtaposition: Twilight Vs. White ribbon day.

Some people will say “ahhh I have heard this rant before”. Some people may be on the “huh?” side of things.

When I read the first twilight book I had shudders. I read the entire series because A) they were easy to read, and B) I wanted to see exactly how dysfunctional things got.
If twi-hards read my blog, at this point I’m sure you are thinking “What the HELL!! This is TRUE LOVE, look what they GO THROUGH TO BE TOGETHER!!!” (More than three exclamation marks to a fan is as glitter to the vamps)

Actually, true love means doing the best for your partner. In the example of the twilight characters it would be him never talking to her and walking the hell away, since at their age difference it is essentially paedophilia.

Having been in an abusive relationship I know exactly how romantic it is.
The massive ups and downs. Having them tell you that they are sorry, it is just that they love you SO MUCH. After I broke up with him it advanced to more fully fledged stalking, and abuse. Even then there were 17 year olds cooing about how romantic he was. WTF is romantic about someone following you, or sitting outside your house and just watching?

Seeing as 12 years hasnt improved anyone's comprehension of romance vs dysfunction, I am going to lay out the stark facts. These thanks to the Sophie Elliot Foundation (I found her case terrifyingly close to home).

Early signs of abuse in relationships

Power and control
Is obsessive. Tells you who you can see, what clothes to wear, how to have your hair or makeup. Often says, “If you love me you will …”

Possessiveness
Wants to know where you going, who you are with, when you will be home, and so on. Displays stalking behaviours such as following you, accusing you of being unfaithful, flirting, and so on.

Isolates you
Stops you or makes it difficult for you to see your family or friends. Sulks or is moody when your family or friends are around, and makes you feel uncomfortable until they are gone.

Threats
Is abusive to you, or about your family, friends or pets. Indulges in name calling, and physical and emotional threats. Says things like, “I will leave you if …”, “I will hurt you if ….”. Nasty behaviour towards pets is a frequent early warning sign.

Suicide threats
Says things like:
“I need you.”
“You’re the only one who understands me.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“If you leave me I will hurt myself.”
“I need help; please help me.”

Changeable/volatile behaviour
Is erratic – nice one minute or day, and abusive and nasty the next. Blames you for his behaviour. “You make me react that way”, “if you did this, or didn’t do that I wouldn’t get so angry.” You feel like you are walking on egg shells and constantly “trying to make him happy.”

Sexual
Is coercive, pressuring you to do things you don’t want to. Takes no responsibility for contraception, seeing it as “your problem”.

Physical abuse
Says he loves you but then physically abuses you, by hitting, punching, choking, or pushing. Often has a history of previous abuse.

Communication
Is haphazard and unreliable. Leaves you to do the contacting and keeps you dangling. You are left confused and don’t know what he wants. Doesn’t appear to be telling you the truth about what he is doing and says “it’s none of your business”. Makes you feel crazy, or jealous, or insecure when that is not how you usually feel.

So with the above in mind, have a go at the quiz below… and let me know if you still think Edward should be held up as the ultimate boyfriend.



Some Facts about Abusive Relationships thanks to Living without violence NZ, and other references.

One woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner in New Zealand every four weeks. Approximately half of all homicides in New Zealand are family violence related.

66% of women seeking Women’s Refuge help are 17-35 years old. In 2009, 26.1% of refuge clients were aged 16 – 25 years old. (New Zealand Women’s Refuge 2006, 2010)

One in three New Zealand women experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a partner during their lifetime.

25 per cent of those convicted of ‘male assaults female’ in 2006 were 15 – 24 years old, with 44% of all those convicted being under 29 years old. (Ministry of Justice, 2008)

In any one year, one woman in five will experience physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of a partner.

15-24 year olds are the age group most at risk of physical, psychological and sexual victimisation from current and ex-partners. (New Zealand National Survey of Crime Victims, 2006)

One in five New Zealand men are subjected to violence by their partners.

One woman dies approximately every 26 days at the hand of her partner or former partner. We estimate that over 20 women have been murdered since Sophie in 2008. (Roundtable for Violence Against Women)

93 out of every 100 domestic violence cases in New Zealand are male assault female.

In 2009, nearly 75% of the 29 female murder victims were killed by offenders identified as a family member or partner. (Police Statistics on Culpable deaths in New Zealand, April 2010)

About 10 children are killed every year in New Zealand by a member or members of their own family.

Women’s Refuge receive a crisis call every 9 minutes. New Zealand police receive a domestic violence crisis call every 7 minutes. (Its Not Ok, 2010)

The annual cost of family violence in New Zealand is at least $1.2 billion.

37% of protection order applications and 25% of respondents are under 29 years old. (Family Court Statistics, 2007)

Family violence is a major problem in New Zealand but by reaching out for help all of us can begin to change the cycle of abuse and violence.

48 per cent of couples at age 21 years old reported having been involved in physical partner violence. (Dunedin Longitudinal Study, Moffitt and Caspi, 1999)


NB: Please note that the above stats and info relating to “Male” to “female” violence is due to the current white ribbon campaign. Abuse can occur in the reverse and cisgender men and women are not the only identity included within this data.

The support we choose

The case of children /young women using their school councillors as a resource to source options for an unwanted pregnancy has had a lot of time in the media. One of the trends in comments from pro-choice and pro “support in schools for all options” has been the concept that teens use the school because home is not a safe environment.
I balked at that, because my own experience of using school support networks was in preference to admitting to my parents that I was not coping. It was my first experience with depression and the first thing the councillor did was hold my hand while I called my mother and admitted I couldn’t do this alone.
I still count my blessings that my parents’ response was one of support, and my family stood by me while I made decisions around staying in school or not, remaining a prefect or not, continuing competitive activities or not.
So while I realise that many, many young people struggle to find safe places and supportive people in their lives, withholding information is not necessarily a sign of dysfunction or abuse.

So when we discuss children requiring the notification of parents before accessing an abortion I have to ask...
Why?
If it is so the parents can have a say, then no. No, no, NO!
I say no for so many reasons, and most of them have been expressed beautifully elsewhere.

Take a peek at Boganette

Or Anthea

Or Luddite journo

Or Ideologically impure


Or over on life is a feminist issue

There is a lot of murmur on the blogosphere around this topic and I don’t need to rehash it.

The other logical (and not unreasonable) reason is that young people going through an experience like pregnancy/ abortion/ adoption should have support.
This I support, but not in the form of “concern trolling” where people act like they are being concerned about someone’s well being in order to maintain control (would any one like to quote some patronising pro-slavery quotes here?).

If taken at face value the key element of support can be provided by any adult in a child’s life.
I’m a support to several young people who are family friends and I really hope that they would feel safe and free from risk of judgement if they came to me.

So why not require an adult (by all means legislate the age if needed) chosen BY THE YOUNG PERSON to be notified? (Not the sexual partner of the youth if under age).
This seems to fulfil all the needs of the group.
The young person is able to access all healthcare options available.
They have a support person to assist them through the process.
There is an adult in this process.

There are SO MANY massive issues with this.
Young people may not choose the most ‘responsible’ person around.
That person may not have the young person’s best interests at heart.
That person may be involved in the relationship that led to the pregnancy.
The person may be covering for a rape that occurred.
The person may use their influence to pressure the youth to make a decision that the youth is not fully comfortable with.

Like I said; a lot of issues.
The problem is that all of the above issues apply to parents as well.

So we are back to square one...

Anyone got any good ideas?

The Rock "Win a Wife" protest continues...

Wow, what a week!!

The official letter from the Ukrainian Embassy, progress with the protest, the harassment it brought us, and in exciting news - the competition is on hold!!

We await an official announcement at 5pm NZ time today. Fingers and toes are crossed.
We have had a hell of a job keeping the face book protest page.

I’m going to attach some pictures of the more hilarious comments we have received.
The more aggressive, or threatening posts were deleted in a hurry, and we didn’t think to take a picture until later. We are kicking ourselves, especially in the case of one of the radio employees who got outed and quickly went through and deleted his comments and vanished. Damn it!


First Up - the wonderful letter from the Ukrainian Embassy.




And some great comments on Twitter by Colin Mathura Jeffrey - due to the owner not wanting to be revealed her name has been covered.



Some seriously creepy images from the "endless love" dating agency.



Support from Harvey Norman



Why would people join our page, only to harass and belittle us?
Oh, because the “Win a wife – like it” page encouraged it.
Sick.





And some abuse on our face book page on the topic of Win a Wife.






















Hate speach and other charm on the 'pro win a wife' page.