I got angry.

Tonight was a new low.

I left Auckland feminist drinks, also lovingly called Boner Killer Drinks* early.

Early, because I was so angry at a man attending, that I was scared of what I would say, who I would upset, and trouble I would cause.

So here is a little love letter to the guy involved, and perhaps the woman stupid enough to bring him along to something he was obviously opposed to.

I was angry when you made jokes about high heeled shoes and car washing fundraisers, because you obviously expected a rise out of us. And I’m really sorry, but the wide range of young feminists around the table have more valuable shit to worry about that telling other people how to dress.

Did you really think those jokes were fresh? Normal women have to hear that stuff all the time. As people who identify as feminists, we are targeted for crap like that daily. I can’t believe you thought you were unique bringing that shit to our table.

I got angry when you made jokes about “accepting our lord and saviour Jesus Christ into our lives” because that exact phrase is really triggering for me, and you didn’t know that because you didn’t ask, or care.

In fact, all you seemed to want was a response. When we deliberately ignored you, you kept going, but made it more offensive.

It didn’t matter that the response wouldn’t be interesting, or make better conversation, or expand horizons, you just wanted to get someone angry.

I got angry when I finally tried to shut you down by joking that “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you are saying, I’m too busy objectifying your beard” your girlfriend fired up because someone else yelled “Yeah, take off your top”. (which by the way was very funny) .

So you can literally sit there and bait us, in our own safe place, but we can’t pick on you, because why?

I got angry when you tried to enter a philosophical debate about abortion by talking over the top of a history major, about the history of genocide.

When you talked over the top of the women trying to explain their point.
WHEN YOU TALKED OVER THE TOP OF YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE TRIED TO HELP YOU ARGUE. Why in gods name would you do that!? She was the only one out of the two of you actually qualified for the discussion, since she is the only one who has to get pregnant.

I got really angry when you said “urgh let’s go” and then DIDN’T GO!!

You could have just left. It was our meeting, our space, our time. Why the hell when you realised you didn’t like it, didn’t you just leave?

But no, you stood there arguing so long that I had time to get up and leave.

I got angry in the car on the way home. Angry at myself for not saying all this stuff, angry at you for talking over me when I tried. Angry at your girlfriend for bringing someone unsafe to our safe place.

So angry.

And then I got angry at not expressing it.

Because you know what? Neck beards like you exist in my life EVERY FUCKING DAY.

You are my boss.

You are the doctors I work with.

You are my family members.

You are the men on the street.

You are the jackass who came to feminist drinks and had a laugh at our expense.

You were the one person I COULD have shouted at, and I didn’t.

Because I’ve gotten really good at being angry and keeping my mouth shut.
At letting people like you talk over me, walk over me, violate my boundaries, and make me feel unsafe. And I just play nice and try to get away as soon as I can. I don’t want to be a “bad person” and give feminism a “bad name”. God forbid a feminist be angry, why would we be angry?

Mostly I’m angry at the fact I live in a society where one half of our country genuinely feels that their opinion is more valid/important/correct than the other half. And it’s so ingrained that you are probably going home thinking you did us a favour giving us something to think about.

We read about this shit, we research it, we debate it, we watch it, we work on political change, and policy documents. We work in sectors where we make a difference.

There is very little that you could have brought to that table that someone hadn’t heard before, and yet you assumed we would actually change our minds based on your awesome argument.

So please don’t bother coming back. Because I’ve figured out what made me angry. And next time I won’t just leave.

*or #AklBKD if you want to keep up on twitter

I'm convinced that we need slutwalk here and NOW

I was willing to understand a police officer making a stupid comment out of genuine concern, at a small gathering. I get that some people who work in Law enforcement get tired of going to scenes of abuse and rape and would do anything to stop them, even try to protect people from the wrong direction.
I did wonder at times if slut walk was an over reaction to a small incident, and then I thought about all the jerks (and wonderful people) that I know who genuinely believe that what women wear has a part in whether they are raped or not.

Tonight’s episode of “Backbenches” sealed my resolve to attend and promote the Auckland branch of Slutwalk on June 25th.

I give the police a long leash, giving that they are on the front line of violence and the sicker levels of our society, but politicians are another breed altogether. By the time you have worked in high level corporate, and then had 3 years in parliament I would expect that you would
A) Have a good grasp of the smooth lines people want to hear.
B) Know when to keep your mouth shut if what you believe is blatantly misogynous.
Wouldn’t you Paul Quinn??

But no…

On tonight’s episode of Backbenches Paul (and the entire room and cameras) was told why slutwalk is occurring. He was asked to weigh in on women’s clothing choices and the link with assault.
And his response (I am waiting for a direct quote here and what follows is from memory – so please forgive any inaccuracy) was to reply that alcohol intake was more of a risk and women who went out drinking until all hours were putting themselves at risk.
He also made some disparaging comments about people in short skirts being out at 6am when he goes to the gym.
– Because us sluts really should be nocturnal, and we are asking for it – right?

This is someone who was being beamed out to the entire nation, who is in charge of policy decisions and represents the people of this country.
He didn’t even look EMBARRASED!

This is why we need Slutwalk, because the perception that victims are EVER to blame for an assault or rape is entirely wrong and incredibly sick.
And yet it is not rare, and this has proved that it is pervasive enough that even our political leaders feel comfortable expressing these themes.
And that is not ok.

Shame on you Paul Quinn, I feel sorry for you.

Equal rights means you take ownership TOO!

Hey you! – yes you Sir...
The politition who told me he would NOT be voting to make abortion a health issue, instead of a crime...

Let’s talk about how YOU can also be a baby killer.
Yes, you!
I’m a feminist, which means EQUAL rights for all so I think it is about time you took ownership of your half of the responsibility.

Let’s say you are feeling randy.
So you have a hand shandy.
THINK OF THE BABIES!!!!!
Oh no, they aren’t viable then?

Ok, so you are feeling randy and you have an ‘appropriate’ receptacle for your sperm (a Woman, married to you)
But you used a condom??
OH MY GOOOOOOOD THE BABIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!
Oh no, this also isn’t a problem?

How convenient how they aren’t viable life until you are no longer the one responsible...

Even if you are a purist, and you don’t use condoms... who can afford 9 kids in this expensive world? So what do you do?
I won’t expect you to explain to me how you don’t have a gazillion children right now, but short of you killing some future life off I’m lost for ideas.

So let’s say you follow all the “honouring future life” rules and have a beautiful baby.
She is perfect, ten fingers, and ten toes.
She grows to be beautiful, smart, witty and well liked in her community.
She could be ANYTHING. A doctor, lawyer, diplomat, scientist, leader...

Then at 16 she decides to have sex, or is pressured into sex. (we won’t get into the stats on rape in NZ since you are probably patronising enough to think you can ‘let’ rape victims have an abortion).

And that sex causes a baby.
She probably won’t tell you until and abortion is too late, because if pre-marital sex and contraception are off the cards, then your judgement is pretty much guaranteed when she slips up.

Now what? This baby of yours... her future is about to change. And change BIG.

This pregnancy has a
10-15% chance of a miscarriage in NZ at her age according to statistics NZ.
If there are twins there is a 2% chance of still birth
If triplets there is around 8% chance of still birth.
‘Your baby’ has a 5% chance of postpartum bleeding.

If any of these events are, or cause a death, and she didn’t use contraception (including the morning after pill and abortifacient pharmaceutical drugs), or have an abortion because of you, was the subsequent miscarriage, stillbirth or maternal death YOUR fault?
If we are going to blame the loss of a future life on me, surely you can own your part in this mess?
No? Gee, what a surprise.

If your little girl and her baby survive the very real statistics behind pregnancy and child birth she will have physical reminders for the rest of her life.
Options include: Stretch marks, varicose veins, incontinence, linear nigra, c-section scar, episiotomy scarring.

Then what?
She gives up her self-centred fulfilling future (for now) to take care of this baby?
Or will you make her adopt it out?
Would you give her a choice?
Why put her through all this only to then take that baby off her?

In fact, if you would give HER a choice, why not me?

In fact – what makes YOU qualified to make any kind of decision for either of us at all?
Since you take NO responsibility for YOUR choice’s effects on others, why should we care what you think?

Because I do not take abortion lightly
I remember every. Single. Woman that I ever assisted in a D&C on in the public health system.
Not one of them was happy to be there.
Every one of them wanted to be.
Every one of them knew what was happening, and owned their decision.

So how about you stop judging and listen for once, to the people this actually effects. Listen to the voices from the lives that actually live it.

Because your opinion? Doesn’t matter to me any more than mine appears to matter to you.

Does contradictory bleeding heart syndrome make someone incompatible as a writer?

If we could benefit from the death of a prisoner, would that make the death penalty ok?

This comment on feministe is what pissed me off.
“However, our prison system exists, and the death penalty is (unfortunately) not going away any time soon. Given that, prisoners on death row should have the option — the totally freely-made opinion, without any incentives on either end — to donate their organs after death. That, of course, requires counseling, and it requires that they not receive any benefit for organ donation. But there’s no reason not to allow people on death row the choice to donate.”

The above quote was inspired by the article by Christian Longo “Giving life after Death Row”

These people have a world of information at their finger tips and they couldn’t be bothered to look up what is needed before someone can become an organ donor.
Forget all the morality issues, or the structure that would have to be put in place for this to even WORK, just the fact that they stop someone’s heart makes this whole thing totally pointless.

So let’s start from the beginning. Slowly.
You can’t use a death sentenced prisoner as an organ donor because by the nature of the definition of the sentence they have to be fully dead for the sentence to be complete.
You need well perfused, healthy organs for harvesting and if the heart stops working for a sustained length of time (like long enough to pronounce someone dead) that is no longer valid.

You also need organs that will not transmit infectious diseases, and with infectious disease rates up to 3x higher than general populations, many prisoners will not pass that test.

You also need the patient’s family’s permission, and I cannot imagine as a family member of a person about to be killed by the state saying “sure, take them, I don’t mind”.

So if you have a non-infectious, available, consenting donor from the prison system then what?
They cannot put them to death at the prison.
They would need to transport them alive to the hospital, harvest organs then declare them dead.
So it would be the qualified surgeons and surgical nurses who took life deliberately.
They are not trained for this, and understand better than anyone what taking a life truly means and how it can impact. Not to mention the fact that they have taken a Hippocratic oath.

Why should they bear the burden?
Would America then struggle to find good medical professionals to work on the organ transplant teams?

On a more moralistic standpoint. You claim to be against the death penalty and I am not going to get into that debate. But if you claim to be against the death penalty, then how can you advocate for the benefit of some on the deliberate death of prisoners? If we make use of the human remains of death penalty prisoners, what are the chances of having the death penalty abolished?

What are the chances of the numbers of people charged with the death penalty increasing in response to organ needs of the population?

What are the chances of more people charged with the death penalty being put to death sooner, lessening the chances of an appeal?

‘Only’ 38 prisoners were executed in the USA in 2010 but there were over 4000 people killed on motorbikes in 2004 in the USA alone.

Stop wasting your time worrying about "wasting lives" that have already been stopped through a death sentence.
Start informing your friends and families that THEY need to make a decision and share it with their friends and families.
Because it won’t be the “bad guy” that you don’t know that saves a life.
It will be someone you love and miss.
And yes, it would still be a great shame to waste a life.

For information on the death penalty in the USA please see this link here.

My angry, angry, angry breasts.

There are two Facebook messages/ updates going around that are bugging all hell out of me.
The first is that girls and women are updating their profile with
“I like it...” then stating where they keep their handbag.
Consequently it looks a bit dirty when girls
“like it behind the couch”, or “like it behind the door”, or even better “like it wherever I can be bothered.”
Witty! I thought it was funny until I got the (let’s face it) Chain letter causing this...


“Last year women on facebook played a game to raise awareness of October Breast Cancer Month. They each posted what colour bra they were wearing on their status. The effect was so widespread that it made men wonder what it was about and eventually made it to the news - increasing the awareness of breast cancer. This year's game has to do with your handbag or purse, where we put our handbag the moment we get home for example "I like it on the couch", "I like it on the kitchen counter", "I like it on the dresser" you get the idea. Just put your answer as your status with nothing more than that and cut'n paste this message and forward to all your FB female friends to their inbox. The bra game made it to the news; let's see how powerful we women really are..!

REMEMBER - DO NOT PUT YOUR ANSWER AS A REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE - PUT IT IN YOUR STATUS! “

*cough* Several questions...
How does this raise awareness of breast cancer?
There are no links to sites with education, no ability to book a mammogram, no info on when and where to get a mammogram, and when they become free...
There are no links to the cancer foundation, no information about how to donate, or donate time to become a collector for collection day.
And how does this make women feel or appear powerful?

In fact, is this what it appears to be? A chain letter no better than; “pass this on or little sally will die of syphilis and you will never get a boyfriend”?

I’m disappointed and angry that this is not only happening but being carried on by smart, caring women I know.

The second is this one.
“October is cancer month. In memory of every cancer patient, family member and friend who has lost their battle with cancer and in honour of those who continue to conquer it! Put this up for 1 hour if you love someone who has or had cancer.”

It’s like “post this as your facebook status if you hate having a cold, and love money.”
Well DUH. Except there is a highly emotional level to this making it in essence, emotional bribery.
Considering roughly 1/4 of New Zealanders will get some form of cancer in their life time, and one fifth of all cancer deaths in women is from breast cancer*, your hit rate is pretty good.

It cheapens what people are living through and dying with, and I object that because my status update has nothing to do with cancer somehow that implies that I don’t ‘care’.

I care deeply.

I care so deeply that I don’t talk about cancer frivolously.
I sure as hell don’t use it for spam, or to emotionally bribe people to update their status to match mine.
I care, so I talk about it person-to-person and make sure I can see someone’s eyes when I talk about cancer, so I can see where those boundaries’ of hurt and fear are that I don’t want to accidentally cross.
I care; so as new research and education comes out I pass it on to my loved ones.
I care, so I check my own breasts, and teach other women how to check theirs.

I care for more than ONE BLOODY HOUR on Facebook.

I’m sorry if you forwarded anything on, or feel this posting attacks something you did out of the kindness of your heart.
I understand that most people mean well, but try to understand why these messages are thoughtless in so many ways.

For information on breast cancer specifically visit the breast cancer foundation of New Zealand


Or their ‘Take action’ page, if you want to *gasp* do something.


or join them on Facebook.

Go to this site to see Janelle Aitken, a National Breast Health Educator take you through a concise breast health presentation; covering basic breast awareness, healthy lifestyle tips and busts some of the myths that are floating around about breast cancer.



Or for info on recovery exercises (I think this may even be free) go to the ywca.


*data from the 90's needs updated stats, sorry.

Some info for your interest...

Breast cancer is the most common cancer among New Zealand women, with more than 2500 new cases expected this year - also approximately 20 men will be diagnosed1.

More than 600 women will die from the disease this year - making it the leading cause of cancer-related death in females.


1 in 9 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer during their lifetime2.


90-95% of women who are diagnosed with breast cancer have no family history of the disease.


Getting older is the most common risk factor: over 70% of new cases are among women 50years and over.


Women of all ages, especially those over the age of 40 years, need to be ‘breast aware'.

In being ‘breast aware' women should:
· Know what is normal for them
· Know what changes to look and feel for
· Report changes without delay to their family doctor
· Attend mammography screening if appropriate for their age

Changes in the breast that may indicate cancer:
· A new lump or thickening
· A change in the breast shape or size
· Pain in the breast that is unusual
· Puckering or dimpling of the skin
· Any change in one nipple, such as:
- a turned-in (inverted) nipple
- a discharge that occurs without squeezing
· A rash or reddening of the skin that appears only on the breast.


Early detection of breast cancer increases a woman's chance of survival. Today, close to 85% of NZ women diagnosed with breast cancer will survive 5 years or more, and the death rate has decreased by nearly 24% between1995-2005.


New Zealand's free, nationwide breast screening programme, BreastScreen Aotearoa, checks women with no breast cancer symptoms - ‘well' women - for early breast cancer between 45-69 years of age with a screening mammogram every two years.


Screening mammograms do not stop the development of breast cancer, but do reduce the chance of dying from breast cancer by approximately 33%.


Thermography is ineffective as a breast cancer screening tool or breast cancer diagnostic tool.


Breast cancer occurs with equal frequency in Maori and Non-Maori women. However, Maori women are nearly twice as likely to die from the disease as non-Maori; one important reason for this is they are presenting with breast cancer at a later stage of disease. The reasons for their presenting late are complex, but are shown by the low rate of attendance by Maori women for screening mammograms.

Pacific women in NZ are 20% more likely to die of breast cancer than other NZ women.




References.

1. Ministry of Health (2008). Cancer New Registrations and Deaths 2005, pp. 18-19. Wellington: MOH.

2. Ministry of Health/NZHIS/BSA (2007). Personal communication. Personal Communication: Bercinskas,
L (2007) and Childs, J.(2009)

3. The National Screening Unit, the Cancer Society of New Zealand and The New Zealand Breast Cancer
Foundation (2008, Oct). Position Statement on Breast Awareness.. Ministry of Health: Wellington.

4. Ministry of Health (2008). Cancer New Registrations and Deaths 2005, p.35 Wellington: MOH.

5. Ministry of Health/NZHIS (2006). Data is average for 1996-2000 mortality.

6. The National Screening Unit, the Cancer Society of New Zealand and The New Zealand Breast Cancer
Foundation (2005, Jan). Position Statement: The use of thermography as a breast screening or
diagnostic tool. Ministry of Health: Wellington.

7. Cancer Control Council of NZ (Nov 2008). Mapping Progress 11: Phase 1 of the Cancer Council
Strategy Action Plan 2005-2010. p. 32. Wellington: Cancer Control Council of NZ.

8. Ministry of Health/Breast Screen Aotearoa (2009). Retrieved from the internet
www.breastscreen.govt.nz on 11 March 2009


Remember - early detection saves breasts and lives