There is a saying in show biz...
“Tits and Teeth ladies!”
Translation? Don’t forget to smile and stand straight.
For a very cheerful person with an 14 E-cup rack like me it’s not something I have to consciously try for, and quite often something I get judged on without even realising it has happened.
Hunting for work clothes involves keeping eyes open at all times for items that cover without looking like I’m wearing a mumu. If I do find something both flattering, that fits, and that covers the girls I buy two or more in different colours.
As long as I look tidy, and shoulders, cleavage and legs are covered I'm happy.
Last week I was away at a work conference.
There was a black tie gala night where I knew there would be a parade of wealthy women in designer outfits, and there was an expectation of high level dress.
I tried on every dress in NZ (or so it felt) and even tried making one in a bit of a last minute rush.
Eventually I grabbed a basic dress which I planned to wear a top under because the bust portion just didn’t provide enough coverage.
While in Melbourne I found a dress in my size just like I was hoping for. Black fabric with a hint of shine and a heavy weight to support a curvier figure it ended at just above the knee and was a V neck with wide straps. With a bust reducing bra, it was just within the boundary of sexy but not inappropriate.
I was going to include a photo here but honestly, having spent the night being “slut shamed” I cringe at every picture of me, and feel that typical kick of adrenaline and taste of vomit in my mouth.
The dress was supposed to be worn with a bust reducing bra which accidentally got left in Melbourne in my hotel room.
So on the night I panicked... what to do?
Wear the other dress with the t shirt under? No –what a waste of the new dress
Wear the new dress with a t shirt under? No. That’s going to look silly.
Wear the dress without a bra and risk breasts heading south, or worse north when I dance? Not a chance!
So I put on the most appropriate bra I could find and looked in HORROR at my image in the mirror.
I looked lovely.
Knock out lovely.
Attract too much attention lovely.
This neck line would have been frumpy on a C-cup but on an E my bust was under pressure and so formed two globes (not in season this year ladies – far better to have empty drooping bosoms with bony clavicle between.)
So the dress wasn’t low cut, but it sure did show off the area.
I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror about it being no worse than a strapless dress on a skinny girl. I reminded myself that there would be plenty of stunning necklines and I wouldn’t be the only one and even measured the distance between my nipple edge and the neckline above it to reassuring myself that the fabric came right up to a good height (12cm/5 inches to be precise).
I held my head high and walked out the door.
Within 3 minutes of arriving (after saying hello to my boss but before getting a drink) a male co-worker who works not only in a different office but a different country was posing in a hilarious fashion for photos staring at my tits.
Gosh that’s so funny. Nothing quite like having to laugh at some ass-hat’s idea of a joke, when you are actually feeling harassed.
I jokingly posed for another picture holding his head straight in front and laughed to diffuse what felt like one of the more awkward moments in my life.
After that it was comment, after comment, after comment.
“Great cleavage”
“Nice to know you can party with the best of them”
“WOW”
“You are letting your hair down.”
“Your tits are AMAZING.”And of course the visual jokes, ogling, pretending to motorboat etc.
A few of the women made comments – none ‘bitchy’ to give them a bit of credit.
“Great assets”
“I wish I had cleavage like that”
“Holy cow, you are going to have all the attention tonight”
The thing was, I stayed sober, was behaving myself and didn’t know half these people.
The country manager bless her; looked me up and down and said “That dress is gorgeous – I’d ask where you got it, but I wouldn’t look half as good on me”.
Flattering; but not about one specific part of my body.
I spent the night wishing I had a shrug or shawl, and eventually went and cut it up on the dance floor with the girls, rather than sitting and waiting for the next (what felt like) attack.
What amazed me was that another woman wore a dress that was literally down to her navel – one of those glamorous ones that have a split between the breasts.
Not one comment.
NOT ONE!
Other than the fact that her dress had less overall coverage the only main difference was that she was almost entirely flat chested.
So I wore something not hugely different to anyone else but because of my bust size (which I can't choose) I spent the night feeling like it was my fault if I attracted men like flies.
They couldn’t possibly help themselves from being creepy – they were “right there”.
Interestingly enough the most brilliant men and women in the room, the ones in the top of the company were pleasantness in itself and held long and interesting conversations without once mentioning or staring at my breasts.
It seems susceptibility to creepiness is linked with a low IQ.
If I was giving myself advice I would be yelling about the behaviour of my colleagues and giving me big hugs.
But from this perspective I just felt ashamed and embarrassed.
In fact, I still do.
I’ve been very careful to say I “felt like I was being harassed” not that I “was being harassed”, because I did, and do feel like I was to blame.
What is wrong with this picture?
I feel the need to apologise on behalf of the male gender, in particular Australian men. Unfortunately I don't know how much good that will be, since too many of us, men will continue behaving like... that*. I don't know how a guy can not feel like a dirty awkward pervert acting like how you described, maybe a lower IQ does reduce someone's ability to judge what's appropriate.
ReplyDelete*Pretend "that" is in italics.
Thanks Jack,
ReplyDeleteI had a very good chat about this with my partner last night (yes it has taken me 5 days to tell him about it). He raised some really good points.
1) I clearly come across as both friendly and approciable AND professional seeing as both groups interacted with me - well done me.
2) The people who matter, behaved well, and the people who behaved badly are not those I respect.
3)the world is full of assholes and it should come as no suprise that a room containing sales people holds a large number of them!
Aghhhh! That sucks I want to punch faces. I don't know what to say. Other than I know what it feels like in different ways. And I don't know what to tell myself when it happens. But I get the guilt and anger and shame and all that. And I turn that shit into rage. Which may or may not be helpful.
ReplyDeleteEither way I'm looking forward to meeting you. Kia kaha fuck the haters x
I hate to see things like this. I'm a 14DD and I get this all the time too. Nobody in public would comment on women with smaller boobs (or would they!?) or women with larger thighs or tummies, so why do they feel it's ok to do so to women with larger boobs?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you didn't get negative comments from women; in my experience it's usually girls who speak out first to say something; and it's usually much more hurtful that the men's ogles.
It's NOT your fault. It's not like you were dressed inappropriately; the comments and other people were acting inappropriately, and that's on them, not you.
Men (and women) need to learn that we are not objects for their amusement; we are people and we deserve respect; no matter how big our boobs may be.
Sadly, they do comment on smaller boobs, too. Since I've had kids I've not been able to fill an AA, and have felt decidedly less womanly and desirable, usually when men are commenting on someone's 'big' chest. I feel ridiculous. And, even worse, all the bras for my size are for pre-teens. Gives the idea that proper, grown up women will have at least an A cup. Hate the whole thing really. Thanks for these posts:-) A bit of solidarity...
DeleteI completely understand how you feel. While I'm not extremely huge in the chest department, my DDs get a fair bit of attention. I've been in uniform before for work and have been told to 'cover up', even though I'm wearing exactly the same thing as the girl in the B cup! I also feel uncomfortable wearing singlet tops, even though I shouldn't because I look fantastic in them! Gaarrgh.
ReplyDeleteAw, what a bad experience for you - but most men can't resist a cleavage, even the nicest non-pervy men, it seems to be hard-wired into them. (Sorry blokes, am sure there are some who can resist looking at a cleavage, i just haven't met any. I will add, as a mostly straight woman, i find it hard not to look too, but i'm not being judgemental, i'm thinking wow.)
ReplyDeleteIf you wear something that shapes your body and shows off your curves, you're going to get looked at. Who cares? You're gorgeous, and they can't help themselves. Much worse is wearing something you think makes you look great, and nobody even notices you.
You're allowed to have tits, and to be looked at is good. It's not "being a whore" or "acting like a slut" just because you accent your gifts at an evening soiree (bit different to letting them or your arse-crack hang out at the shops, which i find distasteful). Looking good is GOOD. It's not shameful or wrong.
Would you hide your brains just to satisfy some man's need for a dumb bimbo? Yet you wear bras that crush your breasts.
More and more women are having breast surgery to bring them up to your size. Bras for bigger women are suddenly much easier to find, especially pretty ones. (As a natural DD, I reckon they're nuts wanting huge ones, my idea of heaven would be itty bitty titties so i could go braless more.)
How lovely the women at your event were nice. Often breasts are a threat, it seems, to women. I guess it's because they are so insecure and have such low self-esteem, they think their man looking means something other than he's got some primal instinct happening.
We with large breasts often learn to cover up, because we're being looked at, as if that was our fault. Such a shame, when others are having their breasts augmented, then flaunting them. They're fakes, we're real - why are we so scared of men looking at us? Is it the fear of not being taken seriously?
Congrats on such a thought-provoking post, by the way - this is the first time i've ever measured the distance from my nipples up my breast because i was reading a blog. LOL
WOW! Im pretty new to this but I dont think Ive ever gotten such A)brillient or B)quick responses to a posting in the past.
ReplyDeleteThanks lads and lasses, nice to have the support (insert wonderbra joke here).
@boganette; Chur! i was thinking at the time I wish I could be fierce like Boganette. Ah well.
@lmsmith A very good point - large breasts do seem to be the only body part that it is ok to openly comment on.
@Raquel - thanks, I hear ya on the uniform thing, a simple nurses tunic looks raunchy with a large bust, and that is not by choice!
@stinginthetail thanks for the huge note, I love it! So nice to be shown the positive and reminded not to feel ashamed of attractice parts!
your last sentance made me crack up - very funny!
I too am a 14E. It sounds to me like you handled yourself perfectly. Although, it kind of sucks that as women with large breasts we must constantly moderate and adapt our behaviour. Rather than other people modifying and adapting theirs. (I really hate those stupid t-shirts men wear. No, just no. My breasts don't stare at your eyes you asshat. )
ReplyDeleteYour dress sounds fabulous. I haven't worn a dress in several years, I cannot find one that sits right on my chest that doesn't make me look like my Nanna,
First up: some of your work colleagues are clearly dicks and not worth worrying about.
ReplyDeleteJesus, honey, you should never feel bad or ashamed just because you have big breasts. You shouldn't feel like you need to give yourself a pep-talk before you go out in public in a nice dress. You got what nature gave you. It's not a treatise on your personal life or your value as a woman. They don't automatically make you a slut! It's two glands and a bit of fat! If people want to judge you based on the fact that you have breasts, you could point out a few other body parts that come along with the package too. "Hey, look! I also have knees! And a nose! And fingers!... Do you see this particular finger?" It's not your fault that other people are stupid jerks.
Look, I wear a 10E... and it's all nature. I've got a little body with a big rack. They are ALWAYS going to be obvious, no matter what I wear. Yes, if I try to wear looser, blousier clothes in order to hide them, I just look like I'm in a mumu... or like I'm pregnant... and they still look huge. I figured out very early on that they look best when I wear stuff that's fitted to my waist, and curves out over my hips. It puts the top and bottom in "balance", and makes me look more proportional. I personally think that it actually makes my breasts look smaller. I wear lots of v-necks because it helps to prevent that optical illusion that makes my boobs look like they're sitting on my waistline. They look nice in v-necks, and it also gives them a bit more space to "breathe" in the summertime. I hate it when they get all hot and uncomfortable. I avoid high necklines like the plague.
Whether I like it or not, I have cleavage. Some people stare and some people don't. Most of the nastiest comments I've ever got have been from other women... But the fact is: I can't leave my boobs at home. I'm not trying to make anyone jealous, and (no) I'm not trying to excite random strangers. I'm just walking around in the body that God gave me. All I can do is make the best of it and learn to love the bits I've got. I also decided (pretty early on) that I needed to be proud of my body, because if I like it, it will like me back.
The only time I've ever really hated my breasts was when I was in an abusive relationship and my self-esteem was really low. He was pretty insistent that my "assets" were too obvious, no matter what I wore, and that I was only trying to get the attention of other men. He was horrifically jealous... which, when I look back, was completely demented. I did NOT grow boobs just to get male attention. I should not be made to feel personally culpable for the attention they receive (positive OR negative)... But he hated my body, and I ended up hating my body too. I vividly remember doing the ironing one morning and staring at the iron for a good five minutes, debating whether I could burn off my own tits.
That was the point when I decided to get help... and I'm glad that I did.
You should never, ever, EVER feel ashamed or embarrassed about your bust-line. If other people want to be cocks: that says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. Take the positive comments as compliments, and take the negative ones as a sign that those people are just awful human beings. None of what you faced was your fault, and I'm sure you looked beautiful.
Starting off with the love: xoxo It sucks that there was that sort of response at a 'professional' high class event. I put professional in quote marks, cause those people weren't particularly appropriate, yea it wasn't work itself but still people... sometimes I love our family boobage, then I try wear most of the t-shirts around and don't feel like I can lean forward without giving everyone an eyeful. (and also with the work tunic we have) I have pins in many of my dresses just to bring the line up a bit :p I think you're right about the emaciated boob look being in, even though I must look a little creepy bra shopping cus I go around feeling every bra I like the look of and, surprise surprise, PADDED.. grrr, I don't need any help. And TOTALLY Not Your Fault (we can blame mum and nan) xoxoxo
ReplyDelete