The chubby canary in a feminist mine

Most people have heard the ‘canary in the mine” thing, but I’m just going to quickly explain.  Back in the days before electronic testing, miners would carry a caged canary in the mine with them. If carbon monoxide built up then the canary would die before the man, and give him a heads up to get out of there a.s.a.p. So yeah, the canary was handy, but it got the rough end of the deal.

With all of this discussion of safe and unsafe male allies of feminism (or self-proclaimed feminists), I was interested to notice that several key figures were already not followed by myself and some friends. The news that someone had said something silly was met with “of course” eye rolls. Most of us had un-followed well before any safety issues, or arguments, simply because we hadn’t liked something they tweeted.

None of us could remember why we had un-followed, it was no major issue or insult, and none of us had interacted, we had simply quietly lost them off our feed.

Interestingly we are all body positive, larger sized women, older women, or trans.

I suspect that if you want to know who the effective allies are, look around you at the feminists on your feed that don’t fit the young, slim and cis bill, check who THEY are still following. I get the sinking feeling we may be the chubby canaries of feminism.

We might have a limit for what we won’t cope with that doesn’t bother other people  in the slightest.

But fat shaming isn’t actually that far from victim blaming. Feminism that doesn’t include trans women is a good marker of feminists or allies that don’t try to learn about issues that don’t directly affect them. Ignoring the voices of older feminists or those you find less attractive, is a pretty good indicator that you have unrecognized biases that need to be examined.

In short, it’s an easy fight saying that hitting women is bad, and women should be treated like human beings. As long as you stick to that line, only real jerks would openly debate, and they are fun to kick. It’s not exactly a high bar. I know this because I do it myself, and it’s the easiest part of being a feminist.

And when it comes to pointing this out, most canaries frankly, can’t be bothered. Let the young, pretty, healthy, cisgender, energetic feminists negotiate with the media savvy likable allies who think we are gagging for their help. I can’t be bothered. I have enough battles with people who are overtly unsafe to bother taking on someone who half the feminist community will back up.

It’s not worth the effort, the exclusion and the stress.

Because when you are a “good guy” you can go a long way towards behaving like a crap one, before anyone gets any support to call you out.

Most people are LOVELY people. Most people are loved. Most people in feminism do active work in an important area to help. This isn’t SPECIAL. This isn’t unique. And it isn’t an excuse for degrading women who don’t fit your rules or specifications to be valued or using slurs against women.

So if someone you love is awesome and working hard, and doing good work, and they screw up. Have a quiet word, remind them that we are only as good as our last action, and for gods sakes, resist the urge to shit on the person brave enough to call them out.

Ignoring the canary doesn’t end well for anyone.

It's PC gone mad, the feminazis are winning...

I’ve found it fascinating watching the men and women around me and on social media discussing a high profile case this week.

Roger Sutton resigned from Cera after sexual harassment claims were made.

There has been an overwhelmingly male chorus singing from a familiar song book. I may be being unfair to men, in that in most cases they spoke over the top of, or instead of women, so the women may have shared their view – I just didn’t hear it. These voices were at work, on radio panels (I’m looking at you RNZ) and on social media. The songs were “it’s PC gone mad” and “he is a really nice guy” “He is really well respected” “he is just a touchy feely guy”.

Most people are.                

 Very few people have their friends and colleagues spouting off to the media about what an asshole they are. Most people have a place where they fit in and feel at home. Most people have mates who think they are a good bloke, a top guy, a bit of a hard case.

It doesn’t mean that for some people they aren’t a danger, an unsafe person, a creeper, that person at work that you avoid. And just because your mother/colleague/wife loves you, doesn’t mean you aren’t a total asshole to someone else.

I would really like people to remember two key things.

      1)     It’s REALLY important to remember that safe is a movable line, and it is set by the receiver of contact, not the giver.

      2 )     Creepy out of line behaviour doesn’t happen because people are always sneaky. It happens because people are entitled and the people around them let it happen.

Here is an easy example of that movable safe line…

People who catch crowded commuter trains in Japan will feel safer with someone standing close next to them on public transport than people that commute on NZ trains. Your personal bubble is what you are used to, and it is often the same among people of the same living environs/culture. But even within a one similar group, not everyone is the same, and direct physical contact beyond a basic handshake should be carefully evaluated. People who have their personal safety violated in the past will not feel safe with hugs from randoms that might be seen as totally okay by the other 60% of the workforce.

As a self-aware professional, it is part of my job to assess how I interact with my colleagues just as much as I do my clients. I can easily go a day without physical contact and come to work for the next twenty years. Missing out on physical touch is nothing compared to the feeling of someone encroaching on your personal space and feeling like you are in a constant state of defence. People need to stop seriously thinking that their right to touch others as they see “normal” is equally important as someone else’s right to NOT BE TOUCHED WITHOUT ASKING.

Any sense that your way is the best way and people should just accept your behaviour involving their space and body is a massively entitled view. This is an especially odd view when you consider that most of the men I was listening to today were deeply concerned at their rapidly vanishing super important right to act how they choose at work. So they DO UNDERSTAND THAT WE HAVE RIGHTS.

Our right to feel safe just isn’t as important as their right to do what they want.

Heads up lads. You will know when the feminazis are winning, and it won’t be because you can’t harass us at work. It will be when you are held accountable for those actions and the population stops seeing you as a nice guy for it. I'm gonna add in an extra wish that the media ceases it's witch hunts of women who dare to complain.

It doesn’t seem that extreme to me. But then, what would I know?

Please feel free to fill in this survey – it is asking about your experience on both sides of the equation, so by all means, if you are feeling hard done by because someone has complained at work, fill it in.

#YesAllWomen are being asked "What can I do?"

I’ve had several discussions with men I know and love, and trust over the last few days under the #YesAllWomen. Many have expressed horror, some disgust, and a few were surprised at the alarming number of awful stories highlighting what it is to be a woman in public.
I’ve also watched men I don’t know struggle with the concept online in public spaces, often with less class or integrity than the men who took the time to speak with me.

 Firstly, I want to address the fact that the issues raised by #YesAllWomen are struggles recognised by anyone seen as “weaker” in gender. Trans, femme, and those in the rainbow spectrum also struggle with harassment and a sense of feeling out of control of their own bodies when others take over their space with verbal or physical abuse. I’m sorry that the “Women” tag has led to exclusion.

 Many of the lovely men I’ve seen on social networks feel helpless and guilty and have asked, “what can I do?”

Thanks for asking, but the heat of the moment, when people are exposing their frightening moments, scary stories, and deepest vulnerabilities isn’t the time to wave furiously and shout “This has never affected me but what about meeeeee”. You wouldn’t do it in an in-person discussion, don’t do it on twitter.

It’s the time to read. Listen, wait. Talk in person to people you trust about it, and learn.

In the meantime, here is a “what can I do” List.

 Learn: Don’t expect the people who have been hurt the most to teach you. Violence and crime and gender inequality and sexism and feminism and transphobia are well documented and researched and written about. Go find other sources.

Asking the person still hurting, can hurt them all over again.

 Listen: If people who have experienced something scary and shared on the #YesAllWomen tag offer to talk, please listen. JUST listen. They don’t need your ideas or opinions or judgements. Even if you think they are nice.

“Thank you for telling me, I appreciate it” is all the feedback needed.

Don't feel guilty. Please don’t waste time or energy with guilt if you have never hurt, attacked, or made someone feel unsafe. I really don’t care if you are sorry that someone else did bad things. It doesn’t change the bad things, and it smells like I have to look after YOU reassure YOU that YOU are ok. Sorry, but no.

 Listen to yourself. Are you feeling sick, angry, scared, and resentful? There are probably reasons. The issues we are discussing are HUGE and they SHOULD be uncomfortable. But you are safe; no harm will come to you. Sit with those feelings and examine them. Because the stories coming through in this hashtag have hurt people a lot more.

 Don’t make excuses. There aren’t any. We are all learning, we are all being raised in an intolerably imbalanced world. There are no excuses, only acknowledgement and the promise to improve things.

 Be the killjoy: Be the guy who when someone makes a rape/domestic violence/misogynistic joke says “I don’t get it, can you explain what’s funny?” The more voices we have saying “no” to the small stuff, the less normalising the big stuff there is.

 Be the listener: be the person, who when a friend discloses abuse, violence, or harassment, listens. Let them talk, let them decide what they want, and support them in that decision. The justice system seems straightforward until you have been through it. Reporting or not reporting are both options you need to respect.

 Be a leader: be the person others can look up to for decent behaviour. Ask before you touch someone; be respectful when you talk about women. Call out bad behaviour and chose to leave social groups of people who can’t treat women well.

 Teach our kids: Talk about boundaries. Teach young people that they have the right to say no to a hug or tickling from you. Respect them when they do say no, even if they are playing.

They need to know that their “No” has power, so that when someone doesn’t listen it sets of SERIOUS alarm bells.

 Be a safe partner: Don’t assume women are up for sex. Require discussion, require communication, and require conversation. If it is too hard, because you are both too drunk, wait.

 Question the status Quo: Learn about some of the obvious imbalances: women are told not to run at night, not to drink, judged by their clothes, but men aren’t. These are issues in the media every day. Raise it, complain about it, and talk about it in wider circles than just your feminist friends. Wear your love of equality on your sleeve.

 The examples that I’ve given here are REALLY 101 stuff, but keep reading, keep learning, keep listening.

And don’t expect praise for being one of the feminists. We don’t get any, in fact we get threats.

Wednesday 28/5 Addition: Please go and read this piece by Emma Hart. It fits nicely in with what I am saying above, and she writes FAR more eloquently than I can.
Please add any other "must read" articles in the comments below.