Winners can’t be victims?

Massive trigger warning for rape and assault, domestic violence, and victim blaming.

Please note that I repeatedly use the term Victim in this piece. This is a term a lot of people choose to leave behind in their recovery from assault, domestic violence and rape, for the purpose of moving on, and empowerment.
Please understand that the term is used to point out the power imbalance in the scenarios given, and is not meant with disrespect.

Much love to those survivors out there.

 

There has been a lot of discussion on gaming and feminist sites around the rape joke at Microsoft's E3 Reveal. I have a few points I want to make.

Firstly, those two people were supposed to be showing how FUN gaming is, how great the new console is, and why people should buy it. They were supposed to be the epitome of what is awesome about gaming.

And rape jokes were a part of that.
This rubbish is so ingrained in the culture that not only did it happen, but it happened at a “show” about how fun gaming is. Could you isolate some of your audience any more if you TRIED?

My second point is less about this specific incident, but about the responses to it.

I found something very interesting with regards to the response in support of the “joke”.

In multiple cases, they pointed out that “in the end” the woman gamer won.

 

Can someone please explain to me what about winning makes an assault/rape/victimisation less real or awful?
Yes, that woman eventually won the bout (don’t even get me started on staging that) but at a point in time, the other gamer made a reference that most people in the room, certainly any rape victim understood.

“Just let it happen. It will be over soon."

There are phrases that I am very, verycareful not to use with patients. One of those phases is “it will be over soon.”There are few things more triggering than hearing the exact phrase an attacker used, coming out of the mouth of someone you thought was safe. I can only imagine that then hearing a ROOM of people laughing at that phrase would be truly sickening.

So I think some people agree with me that that particular phrase was Not OK. So what about the fact that she won, suddenly made it ok?

What about a woman turning around and stabbing her rapist makes what he did less of a rape?
What about winning a court case and sending some pack rapists to jail makes a teenage girl less of a victim, and more of someone who “stole someone’s future’?
What about a successful life makes someone an unbelievable victim?

The minimisation of the trauma of assault due to surrounding circumstances is common.

“She was asking for it”

“They were friends for a long time”
“He had a history of promiscuity”

But this whole “winners aren’t victims”thing is more subtle, and just as dangerous.

Bad things happen to successful people. Ask anyone who works with domestic violence cases. Some of the shiniest homes with the biggest incomes have hidden bruises inside.

People who are in the spotlight due to great success are not immune to the cruelties of the world.

And this is REALLY important people. The person who is smart, and eloquent, and able to fight back is NO LESS a victim than those who cannot. Rape is still rape.
It doesn’t matter how many fights, or court cases, or reputations you win back.
The person who perpetrated an assault, did something WRONG.
No matter how many rights happen after that, the wrong doesn’t go away.

Quit making this about the victim's actions, before, after or during the event. Let’s start looking at the perpetrators.

An open letter to the NZ media about Slutwalk.

Dear NZ media.
I will be attending tomorrow’s “slutwalk” and I am so scared I am seriously considering not going.
I am scared that you will film me, and then use my image to misinterpret what is happening and why I am there.
I am scared that it will affect my job.
I am scared my boyfriend and I’s friends and family will think less of us.
I am scared that people who do rape and assault women will see me, and that will make me more of a target than simply being a young woman already does.
This march is TERRIFYING on so many levels.

But I WILL BE THERE.
But I will be there because I want to raise kids in a country where they do not have to drop rape charges just because they have had sex in the past, and their dating history is visible online.
I want to raise my kids in a country where the first question the police ask is “are you ok?” not “did you fight back?”
I want to hear that my kids can talk about their experiences of assault without the event being a mark on THIER reputation.
I want victim blaming to STOP NOW.

So let’s start with you shall we?
Here is how we will start.

Use our full quotes, don’t cherry pick my words to portray me as anything other than as how I present myself. My mother, great uncle, boss and friends will be watching the news.

Please accept that 99.99% of the attendees are not ACTUALLY marching for their right to wear a short skirt. We can already do that, as noted in all the judgemental footage of the viaduct that you use when covering the drinking culture in NZ.

Please do not only use footage of those dressed provocatively to cover the march – show footage of the wide range of men and women attending.

Please don’t show footage of us crying and call us victims. We are survivors.

Please don’t use footage of us shouting and make assumptions about why we are angry, or whether we should be.

Try for once to actually RESEARCH what we are marching about rather than just guessing by looking at us.

Make it very clear that we are not angry at one ignorance Canadian policeman.
Here are some nice quotes from rape crisis that you can use.

We are angry that we get judged for what we wear even though only 3% of offenders in NZ are actually strangers.

We are angry that people still feel comfortable saying someone is “rape bait” or “asking for it” because of what they wear or how they behave, when we would NEVER make the assumption that someone is a prospective rapist just because they have had a few drinks. What is the difference in judgement?

We are angry that the media spends very little time identifying that it is ok to set boundaries - even with people you love, and lots of time on what we wear when the majority of our offenders are blood relatives (30%) or a friend/acquaintance (30%) of the survivor.

We are angry that you waste time discussing where rape occurred as though we can prevent it by avoiding dark places. Those dark alleyways are in the minority of cases. Most rapes occur IN OUR OWN HOMES (61% of reports)

We are angry that you continue with thoughtless reporting, which adds to an environment where we feel so unsafe about this culture of blame that we DONT REPORT.
(56% were not reported to the Police)

Thank you for your time, I will see you tomorrow.
Kind regards,
Scube

Why not innocent until proven lier?

Can I just say it again...

I don’t know enough about the Assange rape accusations and trial process to comment on the specifics of the case.

I don’t know whether he is guilty or not guilty.
At this point, I have to assume he is not guilty.
There are women who are accusing him of rape.
I have no idea whether they are lying or not lying.
Until they are proved to have been lying (essentially a guilty verdict for a crime) they are not.

I’m not choosing sides at this point because I DONT KNOW.

Neither do you I will bet.
There are only three people who know what happened and I bet you, yes You; the asshole who sent me, and my friends messages saying we're talking out of our asses are not one of them.

Consequently you must also be talking out your ass, if you have already come to a conclusion.

What I do take issue with is the large number of people using bullshit terms and phrases that have no relevance to the case to validate their opinion.
Check out the rape apologist bingo below for some absolute gold that has been being repeated on twitter, Face book, and in the media.



My issue is that I personally know three people who have been assaulted in one fashion or another and either not reported it, or dropped charges.
All three genuinely occurred. Two resulted in medical treatment being required and one was me.

There are a large host of reasons why women don’t report rape. The biggest one is that even after going through the process of reporting, opening yourself up to forensic examination, re living it to multiple police and legal staff and your friends and family, you might not even get to see the case in court.

We haven’t even gotten to the point where rape statistics are even known properly.
But wait – there are rape stats right?
Yep - Statistics show that Sweden has one of the highest rape rates in the world.
WOW! That must mean that they have more rape than anywhere else – right?
But hold on a minute.
The Middle East has one of the lowest rape rates in the world.
A place where in some areas women are seen as second class citizens, and have no legal voice of their own has the lowest rape rates in the world – REALLY???
Oh, but hold on a minute – those statistics are taken from REPORTS.
So what I can see is that rather than the Middle East being a veritable Mecca of safety for women, is that the women simply do not report rape when it occurs.

Rape is everywhere, and affects everyone.
How we talk about it is so important, because reporting is sometimes just as hard as the rape was originally.

My friend who was brutally raped by two men, including restraints and violence didn’t even make it to charges because their defence of “we didn’t know her drink has been spiked”, the fact they knew her, and the fact she had a history of online dating was enough to lower the chance of them being convicted to zilch. The police officer she reported to gave her the advice to drop it because she would be "dragged through the mud for nothing."

My experience was with an older more powerful, much liked man.
Not only would it be unlikely that I would be believed, he didn’t get to do much because I was lucky enough to catch him by surprise, fight back and get away. Proving that I knew he had intent to continue his actions to the point of rape would have been almost impossible.

I have had someone violate my personal space and deliberately try to hurt me.
My word as an honest human with nothing to gain was not enough.

These women in the Assange case are accusing someone well liked, internationally known, and powerful.
They either have an option of a future with new names, or are the bravest women I have ever heard of.
I have to wonder why they would put themselves at risk like this for a false accusation.

I hope your opinion will not matter to the women involved in the Assange case.

They certainly will not read your little Twitter account.
Or your blog.
They don’t check your Facebook page.

But women and men you know, love, and care about do.

Women statistically have a one in four chance, and men with a one in eight chance of having been raped in the past by the time they read your post.

People who will feel the bile rise into their mouths
Their hearts race.
Their throats tighten.
They may cry.

Because you, YES YOU, are just one more person who makes it difficult to report rape.

I would like to thank Sady for her writing here and here which inspired me to stop cowering in a corner, scared of the fallout, and write on this topic.
You are an inspiration.

Dear Kanye - THINK!

Every day I am pummelled by images of Woman, and what she ought to be.
She is smooth and slim and perfect, available and willing and witty.
She is the provider for the family and maternal in keeping home.
She is perfection in itself.
At 28 I have come to terms with the fact that the media hold a strong position in telling people what they should find attractive and sexy and I am happy to choose to ignore.
The majority of people are unaware of how successful the media is at glamorising certain images. Portia D’Rossi is a prime example of someone whose abnormal weight loss was normalised by the miniscule size of the women she worked around and the reactions of the media to her “amazing transformation.”
People try new products because of the beautiful people marketing them, and if a company wants a product used, they just put it in the latest ‘it girl/ guy’s’ hand.

Popular musicians and rap stars hold equal amounts of power when it comes to sending messages as far as trends, and what is the ‘in thing’ right now, whether it be a behaviour or the latest image.
Today I saw parts of Kanye West’s new music video.
It has had me in equal parts revolted and frightened.

For those who haven’t been able to see it I direct you to this site. Kt-Rae has done a great job of describing the video, linking to it and discussing her concerns.

I don’t feel I need to elaborate too much further on the video itself. Partly because I feel sick to my stomach and I really, really, really don’t want to think about it too much more.

Instead, I am writing an open letter to those involved in the making of the music video.
Feel free to use it and send it in yourself.

Dear Kanye West, Jay-Z, Nicki, MinaJ, Rick Ross, and all those involved in the making of the “monster” music video.

What were you thinking?

You hold more power to reach out to the world in your little fingers, than I will ever have in my entire life. Every song you sing, every video you make, will tell people what to expect from life, and how to live theirs.
What you glamorise, is then normalised. Swearing is made awesome, fashion trends are loved, and new lyrics are learnt and sung around the world.
When I see people who are as powerful as all this choosing to glamorise and sexualise dead and unconscious women I am extremely concerned.
Are you so separated from the world that you have lost touch with what is normal? With what is ok?
Are you so separated from the world that you think that a woman’s body is yours to touch, whether she is still in it or not?
Are you so naive to think that this video will not impact on the hundreds of thousands of young men, who desperately need role models?

THINK.
Just think.

What the young woman who was raped while she was unconscious will think when she sees your lips on an unconscious woman’s hand while you leer at her body.

What someone’s sister who was date raped will think when she sees the woman splayed on the table while you calmly survey your domain?

What a mother will think when she see’s your video and wonders about her daughter who hung herself without an explanation.

What a father will be forced to remember about his little girl who was raped and killed.

By all means, raise awareness for the millions of women around the world who are raped, abused, living in fear, and killed before they even live for themselves.

But don’t sexualise them.
Don’t dress them up whilst you hang them up.
Don’t make a fetishism of their deaths.
Don’t get off on their pain.

And for God’s sake.
Pull this video before more people are hurt.
Men. Women, and those who need your leadership.

I for one will be boycotting your music until you do.

Kind regards,

Homocide victims are not the only people who suffer.

The reason I have chosen to write about the issue of support for the families of homicide victims is that the mother of Liberty Templeman is raising the fact that the family members of homicide victims have even more to deal with than the usual grief and funereal logistics that tie up your life when you lose a family member to natural causes, or even accidental death.
She would like to see up to three months paid leave for those family members effected by violent loss.

I am not undermining the overwhelming grief that accompanies the loss of a friend or loved one, but I want to highlight how much more complex the process of “getting over it” must be when people have to also navigate the farce we like to call our Justice system.

Goodness knows they could use a helping hand to support them through the extra time needed.
This is not just me being a bleeding heart liberal; the logistics of a suspicious death are complex.
• Waiting for the body to be released so you can have the funeral.
• Bereavement being interrupted for questioning.
• The court process, time needed for the case, and preparation for the case.
• The possibility of it being a family member or friend under investigation (Nearly half of all homicides in New Zealand are family violence.)

On that note, would the paid leave still be given for those people whos partner had caused the death if they were not technically an accomplice? eg abused children.
This is a heavy and heated topic and as a Paediatic nurse I had to fight the RAGE that surged through me watching a family praying over the battered body of a baby beaten by one of them.

Please read on for what we are currently doing for the families of victims, and feel free to leave messages, I like to hear different opinions when voiced politely.

In 1985 NZ signed the united nations signed the UN Declaration of Basic Principles of justice for Victims of crime and abuse of power which urged member states to reconsider the victim and casting new light on the victims’ perspective.

The declaration identified four areas of assistance.
• Access to justice and fair treatment, where judicial and administrative process insures victims are kept informed and proceedings are heard appropriately and expeditiously.
• Ensure victims have adequate information and access to services, requiring the appropriate training of personnel.
• Restitution to individuals and families, restoration of the environment and restitution by governments.
• Compensation to individuals and/or families for bodily injury or impairment to physical and mental health.

The four tenants of the declaration form the basis of the victim support mission statement: Victims of crime, accident and emergency are well supported, safe and in control of restoring their lives.

NZ played an important role in the UN declaration- yet we currently don’t fulfill the international obligations towards the victims that we signed up to.

Since then, moves have been made in the right direction.
On 16 October 2009, Hon Simon Power, Minister of Justice announced eight new initiatives that will provide additional support to victims of serious crime. These initiatives are funded from revenue generated from the offender levy and funding from the disestablished Sentencing Council. Below is a summary of the initiatives taken from the NZ courts website.
Additional support for families of homicide victims
Four of the initiatives provide additional support to families of homicide victims.

Funeral grant top-up
The first initiative provides an additional amount of up to $4,570.08 to families of homicide victims to help pay for costs associated with their family member's funeral. This additional amount is on top of the $5,429.92 that these families can currently claim from ACC for funeral costs. This initiative began in November 2009 and is administered by a subsidiary of ACC on behalf of the Ministry of Justice.

Assistance to attend High Court
The second initiative provides financial assistance to support families of homicide victims to attend High Court proceedings. The grant supports up to five adult family members of a homicide victim to attend High Court proceedings involving the alleged offender at a rate of $124 per day, per person. This initiative began in January 2010 and is administered by the Victim Support service.

Homicide support service
The third initiative establishes a homicide support service. This service provides practical and emotional support to families of homicide victims throughout the criminal justice process. The service began in July 2010 and will be managed by Victim Support.

Increase in discretionary grant
The fourth initiative increases the 'discretionary grant for families of homicide victims suffering financial difficulties' from $1,500 to $5,000. The eligibility criteria for the grant was also expanded. Victim Support continues to administer the grant and the funding increase began in November 2009.