#YesAllWomen are being asked "What can I do?"

I’ve had several discussions with men I know and love, and trust over the last few days under the #YesAllWomen. Many have expressed horror, some disgust, and a few were surprised at the alarming number of awful stories highlighting what it is to be a woman in public.
I’ve also watched men I don’t know struggle with the concept online in public spaces, often with less class or integrity than the men who took the time to speak with me.

 Firstly, I want to address the fact that the issues raised by #YesAllWomen are struggles recognised by anyone seen as “weaker” in gender. Trans, femme, and those in the rainbow spectrum also struggle with harassment and a sense of feeling out of control of their own bodies when others take over their space with verbal or physical abuse. I’m sorry that the “Women” tag has led to exclusion.

 Many of the lovely men I’ve seen on social networks feel helpless and guilty and have asked, “what can I do?”

Thanks for asking, but the heat of the moment, when people are exposing their frightening moments, scary stories, and deepest vulnerabilities isn’t the time to wave furiously and shout “This has never affected me but what about meeeeee”. You wouldn’t do it in an in-person discussion, don’t do it on twitter.

It’s the time to read. Listen, wait. Talk in person to people you trust about it, and learn.

In the meantime, here is a “what can I do” List.

 Learn: Don’t expect the people who have been hurt the most to teach you. Violence and crime and gender inequality and sexism and feminism and transphobia are well documented and researched and written about. Go find other sources.

Asking the person still hurting, can hurt them all over again.

 Listen: If people who have experienced something scary and shared on the #YesAllWomen tag offer to talk, please listen. JUST listen. They don’t need your ideas or opinions or judgements. Even if you think they are nice.

“Thank you for telling me, I appreciate it” is all the feedback needed.

Don't feel guilty. Please don’t waste time or energy with guilt if you have never hurt, attacked, or made someone feel unsafe. I really don’t care if you are sorry that someone else did bad things. It doesn’t change the bad things, and it smells like I have to look after YOU reassure YOU that YOU are ok. Sorry, but no.

 Listen to yourself. Are you feeling sick, angry, scared, and resentful? There are probably reasons. The issues we are discussing are HUGE and they SHOULD be uncomfortable. But you are safe; no harm will come to you. Sit with those feelings and examine them. Because the stories coming through in this hashtag have hurt people a lot more.

 Don’t make excuses. There aren’t any. We are all learning, we are all being raised in an intolerably imbalanced world. There are no excuses, only acknowledgement and the promise to improve things.

 Be the killjoy: Be the guy who when someone makes a rape/domestic violence/misogynistic joke says “I don’t get it, can you explain what’s funny?” The more voices we have saying “no” to the small stuff, the less normalising the big stuff there is.

 Be the listener: be the person, who when a friend discloses abuse, violence, or harassment, listens. Let them talk, let them decide what they want, and support them in that decision. The justice system seems straightforward until you have been through it. Reporting or not reporting are both options you need to respect.

 Be a leader: be the person others can look up to for decent behaviour. Ask before you touch someone; be respectful when you talk about women. Call out bad behaviour and chose to leave social groups of people who can’t treat women well.

 Teach our kids: Talk about boundaries. Teach young people that they have the right to say no to a hug or tickling from you. Respect them when they do say no, even if they are playing.

They need to know that their “No” has power, so that when someone doesn’t listen it sets of SERIOUS alarm bells.

 Be a safe partner: Don’t assume women are up for sex. Require discussion, require communication, and require conversation. If it is too hard, because you are both too drunk, wait.

 Question the status Quo: Learn about some of the obvious imbalances: women are told not to run at night, not to drink, judged by their clothes, but men aren’t. These are issues in the media every day. Raise it, complain about it, and talk about it in wider circles than just your feminist friends. Wear your love of equality on your sleeve.

 The examples that I’ve given here are REALLY 101 stuff, but keep reading, keep learning, keep listening.

And don’t expect praise for being one of the feminists. We don’t get any, in fact we get threats.

Wednesday 28/5 Addition: Please go and read this piece by Emma Hart. It fits nicely in with what I am saying above, and she writes FAR more eloquently than I can.
Please add any other "must read" articles in the comments below.
 

Feminism 101 - Spoons as a concept…

Before we start, head over to Christine Miserandino’s piece from which the “spoon theory” has stemmed. It’s a brilliant piece, and the depth of understanding about what it is to have a disability that she managed to convey with her explanation is wonderful.



When I first started reading feminist blogs it wasn’t long before I started hearing about “spoons”
“I haven’t got the spoons”
“Urgh, I’m getting low on spoons”
“Anyone got the spoons to help me out with this jerk?”
And so-on.
I ended up asking a feminist friend to find out WTF people were talking about, because when you Google “spoon theory” you are more likely to read about the “silver spoon” sort of thing.
The overwhelming understanding in feminist circles appears to be that we only have limited resources to deal with our daily battles, whether they are personal, professional, or online. At times when there are heated debates on topics which may trigger us, those resources get depleted at a higher rate than usual.
Christine’s writing equated resources with spoons in relation to her Lupus, and the fact that those who live with Lupus have a constant struggle to maintain their lives while their condition deteriorates.
When people on the feminist blogs talk about “not having enough spoons” it may mean that they feel like they can’t deal with whatever it is that has been happening, do not have the energy to continue to debate, or just cannot find it in themselves to explain for what feels like the millionth time a concept to someone who may or may not actually want to learn.
Sometimes it is used among friends to ask for help. i.e. “I’m running out of spoons – can you come help deal with this troll?”
Sometimes to display distain at someone asking stupid questions, or repeating the same points. i.e. “I really don’t have the spoons to deal with you anymore.”

What is important to realise is that the Spoons concept was driven by someone with a long term debilitating illness. It is much loved by squillions of people who also struggle with limited spoons.
Go to twitter and use the hash tag #spoonies and you will find a reel of men and women all trying to cope with a myriad of disabilities daily and nightly. Their spoons are so much more valued than mine, just simply because I have more to start with, and do (usually) not have to truly economise with them.
It is for this reason that I don’t use the term “spoons”, because I feel like it isn’t really mine to use. I like the phrase, and I sure as hell think that it is relevant to everyone at some point in time, but it just feels a little like I’m undermining the original meaning now that I am in the fullness of health.

Tea-spoons is another phrasing that is less commonly used (as I have noticed), and the origions of this seem to be Florynce Kennedy. Check out the lovely Melissa McEwan over at Shakesville who uses the term regularly.

Just by nobody doing nothing the old bullshit mountain just grows and grows. Chocolate-covered, of course. We must take our little teaspoons and get to work. We can't wait for shovels."

I hope that this helps out people looking to find out what the heck is being talked about on the blogs when someone refers to “spoons”. Let's grab our tea-spoons and start shoveling hey?

Below I have included what spoons mean to other people, because there seems to be a slightly wider range than just what I thought.

“spoons” is just such a nice, succinct way of expressing “a finite, slowly-renewable resource I have to consciously think about allocating.”


I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness.


Maya of “capitalism bad”
“Something that you might like to be aware of is that the person who wrote it, and others who have similar health issues (she has Lupus) are very critical of the way that it has been used much more broadly than originally intended...
There is an argument that the wide adoption of the metaphor for the lives of people under very different circumstances is a form of appropriation."


@Rageaholic_
I always thought it referred to having the patience to spoon-feed information in small and easily digestible chunks. But I think that was an assumption or I made it up-recently read the spoon-theory some1 linked to on THM & it's very different.
I should've made it "patience, time & ability" I realise it's more than just about getting frustrated with newbies sometimes.


1. We, the community of people with invisible chronic illnesses, need a terminology that describes just our experiences to use amongst each other and with the outside world.
2. That terminology, so far, is mostly The Spoon Theory.
3. The spoon theory has been great in getting the message across that our pain and fatigue and other symptoms make our daily lives very different from people who don't have invisible chronic illnesses.
4. People have taken the terminology and run with it.
5. This is great when it's being used to describe the experiences of people with invisible chronic illnesses.
6. This is problematic when it gets used for other things.
7. PLEASE STOP USING THE SPOON THEORY TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T ABOUT BEING CHRONICALLY ILL.
8. Thank you.


@GraveyDice
I think of #spoons as an inverse of harmful culture, which is created by millions of small actions, each on their own trivial but collectively add up to something monstrous. #Spoons is the neutralizing of harmful culture in the same way - in tiny steps.
And the great benefit of #spoons is that the big problem is too big to comprehend fully, or to try to address. Whereas #spoons allows us to deal with small actions, one isn't overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem.


@TSpankhead
there's this, though it doesn't add anything. :)

@MeganWegan
Can't find the post, but short answer: pick the fights that are worth winning, and self-care is really important. No point trying to be any kind of activist if you're too tired for the fight.


Deborah.
There's another spoon concept, of using a teaspoon to empty an ocean, of misogyny usually. A huge and impossible task for one person, but little bit by little bit, as feminists from all over the world work on a issue, each wielding a teaspoon, the ocean is lowered.

NB: I have found Christine Miserandino very approachable and there may well be a response from her updated to this page in the next few days... fingers and toes crossed :)

questions with answers.

I'd just like to direct anyone who hasn’t already seen it to Boganette's fascinating blog post opening up discussion with someone who wrote her a letter.
The letter opens up a lot of interesting concepts around feminism, the feminine, what is “too promiscuous” and the morality of porn.
Some fantastic answers and responses from some brilliant people there.
I love the inclusion and information being put out there, with people being very patient with differing points of view and backgrounds.
I’m feeling the love for my fellow feminists tonight.