Don’t worry, I’m not engaged.
This post is much funnier, slightly less awkward and with more cringe than a marriage proposal.
As a celebration of International Women’s Day I got virtuous and booked myself in for a cervical smear.
Apparently noone told my doctor’s Locum the “rules of engagement”
It is quite simple... as with any other embarrassing situations (such as being at a urinal or a close space like an elevator), when doing an awkward procedure such as a cervical smear, or prostate exam there are rules.
Chit chat before, Chit chat after. Don’t chit chat at the time.
Don’t look me in the eye.
Don’t comment on what you see, my body is mine and your job is an honour.
Once it is over, we pretend it never happened.
I will fulfil my duties by arriving on time, with only my fluids inside, relax to make things easier, and not fart at the time.
As an added bonus I will try very hard not to sneeze or cough causing the speculum to shoot across the room.
Today it was not my lovely female GP who has known me since I was a wee girl.
Today it was (dum dum dum dum) the LOCUM.
The first insult... you asked me why I was there.
You talked to me during and kept popping up to make eye contact.
Not cool. Just let me sing songs in my head, deep breath, and pretend I’m somewhere else.
You didn’t warm ANYTHING, least of all the one thing that should have been warm.
You put the speculum in, and then wandered off to get your bits and pieces together.
Don’t stick ANYTHING in until you are ready (this goes for anything else in that area lads).
When you are finished even if you can see a GIANT cancer with a sign saying malignant and a “fuck you I’m stage 4” t shirt, you don’t say ANYTHING, you make polite chit chat and confirm you have the right contact number for when tests come through.
You DONT say “Hmm, that’s interesting, I’m going to take two swabs. We don’t call if it is ok, but are you happy with us giving results by phone?”
NO! No I’m fucking not ok.
What would be ok is not mentioning anything you don’t definitely know about, and if you do have to give (actual real) bad news, you do it in person, while I have a support person attending.
As I wrote this I realised that this could be off-putting to Women who are overdue for a smear, or men overdue for a prostate exam.
Please let me clarify.
If your doctor is an insensitive jerk – change doctors.
Don’t give up on your most important asset (health) because of a jerk – your health is more important than that.
Even if this swab is bad news, it won’t be that bad, because the cancer will be new since my smears are up to date. Thanks to the check up we will have time to fight it and it’s no big deal.
If it’s nothing I will be a happy chappy and really pissed off at this doc giving me unnecessary worry.
Go make an appointment now.
Then swish your hair, smile in the mirror and say these words.
“Because I’m worth it”.