NOTE: I have four pages of scattered disjointed writing in my “latest blog” file in word.
It is all about my struggle with depression over the last few months.
I realised today when I sat down to start writing again properly that none of that was ever finalised and put into this blog.
So for all the people out there with depression, and for those who love people with depression these posts are for you.
As the week progresses, more posts will go up, and they will be numbered, from earliest (furthest in the past) to most recent to make it easier to keep track.
I hope that they help you see light and hope, and possibility. Because even if it can’t be seen now, it is there, and you WILL find it. You just have to stick it out today. Tomorrow will come.
I am what I would describe as a “maintenance phase” with my depression.
Every winter I get lower in mood, and every few years when all the shit collides at the same time, my ability to keep it at a “controllable level” is lost.
This has been one of those years, and this is the first winter with severe depression AND blogging.
To keep things functional and interesting and still blog about things I really care about has been a challenge.
On one hand, I haven’t blogged regularly, so I’ve sort of failed.
On the other hand, I haven’t lowered my standards, gone off the rails, or allowed topics to overwhelm me or my life.
I’m going to call it a win at this point.
Also on the winning side of the coin... My partner who has also experienced depression has the most wonderful gift.
Every time he looks at me he sees ME.
Me with a cold sometimes.
Me with PMS sometimes.
And at the moment, me with depression.
But always the primary focus is me.
That alone will make this winter a million times easier. One of the biggest challenges for me when I am struggling with depression is that the voice in my head isn’t really mine anymore and I sort of fail to see myself.
If I can see even the tiniest glimpse of who I REALLY am, even if it is just in his eyes, I won’t forget her, and I won’t give up.
Because I’m worth fighting for.
As are you.
That's one of the things I like about the JK ads. In particular the "hope" one. No matter how small it is, no matter what tiny grain of sand it is, find hope, hold on to it.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you have to, focus on getting through the next few minutes. If you can survive the next minute, you are a huge winner.
Despite me being relatively on top of things, I still have those moments of utter despair. Moments when I feel an overwhelming desire to step in front of a truck, or off a bridge, or to do some terrible harm - either to myself or others.
I am so grateful that there are enough really good people around me for me to focus on. My love for them, and theirs for me, keeps me locked into continuing to be.
And that is why I try to be there for others. Two of my other tweeps are also going through a lot of struggle. And it is so important for me to be there for them. And for you.
One of them scared the hell out of me. She was talking about how she'd recently self-harmed, and I saw a tweet that was basically "so long, I'm out of here". Because she is a long way away, there wasn't anything I could do but send DMs to see if she was still ok. Fortunately she was just going to bed.
It makes me feel good that people know I am always there for them. Partly because it is the right thing to do, but partly selfish in that I know that sooner or later I will need their support.
Much love as always.