Tuesday, September 20, 2011

3) Frozen.

Frozen, written last week of July 2011

I have four pages of scattered disjointed writing in my “latest blog” file in word.
It is all about my struggle with depression over the last few months.
I realised today when I sat down to start writing again properly that none of that was ever finalised and put into this blog.
So for all the people out there with depression, and for those who love people with depression; these posts are for you.
As the week progresses, more posts will go up, and they will be numbered, from earliest (furthest in the past) to most recent to make it easier to keep track.
I hope that they help you see light and hope, and possibility. Because even if it can’t be seen now, it is there, and you WILL find it. You just have to stick it out today. Tomorrow will come.

Right now I feel frozen.
When depression has really set in, it is more like a grey fog than the traditional “black dog” for me.
I can’t find my way, and without a view, the point of moving forward is taken away.
Despite what feels like paralysing indifference to life, the universe and everything I am taking steps.
I’m seeing my doctor next week.
Resigning my job the week after.
Stopping internet contact, twitter, sad shit and trouble that makes me breath super heavy.
Right now that covers anything from making big decisions to watching poignant nappy ads, so this could be a bit challenging.
So I won’t be around on line, writing for the next little while.
I’m barely there in my real world at present.
Breathing is hard and waking is painful.
That blissful feeling of managing to drift off to sleep and the heavy weight in my heart that greets me each morning makes consciousness such a struggle right now, but I can and will fight this fucker.
See ya’ll on the other side.

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