At the request
of some attending the National women's council of NZ Auckland meeting, I am
posting the following speech on my blog.
I was given the
briefing that I would be on a panel talking about my interesting workplaces
from a woman’s perspective, the barriers and challenges I face. Other speakers
were unable to attend and at the last minute I changed my notes to a more
formal speech.
I have thought
hard about putting this up here on my blog, and some details have been cut or
changed to protect my identity. I have no interest in mixing my work life with
politics as of yet, and don’t feel safe as a pro-choice feminist writing under
my own name until the threats stop.
Please note
that this was a short, superficial speech for a group of cis women who ranged
in age from mid 30s to their 80s. Different generations of feminists, different
belief structures, and different moral codes and as a result it is a fairly “safe”
speech with a very basic gender binary terms used throughout. Good evening, and thank you for having me to speak tonight, my name is *
I am a registered nurse working in
operating rooms, in a part clinical-part organisational role. I also write under a pseudonym for the feminist blog The Hand
Mirror, I volunteer for a rescue organisation, run a book club, and have an
unhealthy addiction to a Wednesday night pub quiz, in spite of being a
non-drinker!
My first thought when Julie asked me to speak
tonight was that I couldn’t possibly.
Why should I speak? I have done no formal study on
women, or women in the workplace.
I’m not smart enough, eloquent enough, experienced
enough, old enough, or educated enough.
And then I thought, actually, I really can’t sit
around complaining about a lack of women speakers if I myself refuse to speak
up about interesting things until I’m 50 with a PHD in EXACTLY what I’m talking
about.
So to cover for this feeling of “imposter syndrome”
I’m going to do a very superficial chat about things I have observed in my
different work spaces, I will pop a transcript of this talk up on my blog, and
link to references of people who DO know what they are talking about and their
research about the stuff that I’m really only discussing from an anecdotal
perspective.
Out of curiosity, in response to a compliment about
your work, a task you have done, or being asked to be a part of something, how
many of you have felt like “urh, they have no idea, I’m really just faking it,
I don’t belong up here”
(The response to this
was resounding, and we had a bit of a pause to laugh at how united we were in
having this experience!)
Ok, so this may be something called imposter
syndrome. In the original research it focused on women in the workplace, but
since then, we have realised that anyone who has been raised to think their
place is elsewhere is prone to this feeling.
As a teen deciding on my career I was told I would
make a GREAT nurse. No one ever mentioned that I should go beyond a degree, or
beyond patient care. I certainly never comprehended a role where I would be
educating and mentoring, let alone the goals I have for my future in
management, politics, and leadership in healthcare.
I have the privilege of working in a very strong
female environment. This in itself has been a heck of an inspiration to me. The
fact that several of the highest leadership roles are filled by women was
fabulous for me. I then realised that this shouldn’t be exciting or unique in a
job where the majority of the employees are women, surely the majority of the leadership
roles would naturally be taken by women.
In my job as a nurse I feel quite confident. I love
what I do, I’m surrounded by inspiring women, it’s a nurturing environment for
career development, and thanks to the mentoring of some senior staff at a
national level in the organisation I work for, I’m setting out to start towards
my masters next year.
On the other side of the coin, I also volunteer for
an organisation where only 17% of the volunteers are women, and those who are
out in the field rather than manning the phones, doing logistics, or helping
behind the scenes are even rarer.
It’s an interesting contrast. I work with a large
number of men who are wonderful, and welcoming, and supportive. There are also
a scary number who genuinely believe that women are less able in a myriad of
ways, at achieving what they need to, to accomplish the job we do.
I have had colleagues deliberately give me
incorrect information, hoping I would make a fool of myself; with the
explanation that “I should know what I’m doing, and if I don’t, I should know
to ask for more information” like that is some sort of brilliant learning
experience.
I’ve been in a CPR course and when I asked a
perfectly valid clarifying question, to ensure the whole group understood a
point, a man talked down to me and explained it slower in exactly the same way,
when he KNEW that I am a specialist registered nurse, yet somehow the fact that
he had done a first aid course before made him more qualified.
I was told in class that because I had done well in
a test one day I could be a “because we let women be now.”
I’ve almost wet myself on duty because the male
members of a team can pee on the go, discretely, and I was too stubborn to ask
that we stop at a rest room, I didn’t want to be the one “holding everyone
back.”
It took me twice as long as the men I was inducted
with to get onto a team, and the explanation was given to me that “only one woman
per team”, which turned out to be a blatant lie, and to this DAY I have no idea
whether the guy in just didn’t like me, or whether it was my gender holding me
back.
When I sat my first major exam I was told I “did
well for a girl” by one of my particularly patronising colleagues.
It wouldn’t have upset me so much but I got 100%
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!
I didn’t do well for a “girl”. I did the BEST
ANYONE COULD DO.
That made me realise I needed to stop worrying what
people thought because the best I could possibly be, in their eyes would still
be followed by “for a girl”.
Every day I step through the doors of my volunteer
job I am 100% READY.
My uniform is correct, I have the right equipment,
I’ve checked everything twice, I’ve reviewed my notes, and planned what I want
to learn on my shift.
I think about what I know, and how I can
professionally convey that.
I worry, that they will realise that I don’t belong
there, or I will give them an excuse to hold me back. I worry that I would give
some legitimacy to the claims that women don’t belong out there in the
practical side of the organisation.
They are two very different work-places and I am two very different people at
each place.
If I’m honest, I’m probably superficially a better
employee at my volunteer job. I’m so scared of losing my place, or ruining it
for other women, I try SO HARD. But I’m also twitchy, and when I’m asked a
question I assume I don’t know the answer, rather than stopping to think
whether I do.
I’ve been told I’m not good enough in enough ways,
that in the back of my head my own inner voice has started echoing it. And this
doesn’t make me a better worker overall.
At my nursing job I think outside the square, I
innovate, I stick my neck out to take risks that have resulted in excellent
learning programmes and quality projects, I work overtime, I go the extra mile,
because I LOVE it. I know I’m good at it, and I know people know I am good at
it. A bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I think the important thing that has helped me, is
realising that my “real” job has less gossip, less nastiness, less catty
behaviour and less clicky exclusive groups of friends. It has a better learning
environment, stronger mentoring, a bigger support network, and a higher calibre
of expectations of learning.
And that is the majority women.
Women: The people my volunteer job tells me in a
myriad of ways (very few of them directly) should not really be good workers.
Through working two very different jobs, I am
learning what women bring to the work force, and the fact that because we are
held to a higher standard, we generally reach it.
I am learning that I can choose the stereotypes I
inhabit.
I am starting to understand that worrying about
what other people think of me only holds me back, no-one else.
I’m also learning what women are doing to
themselves to hold things back.
Please understand that I believe that systemic
gender imbalance holds the majority of the control in issues like the glass
ceiling, wage disparity, and lack of female leadership. But there are a few
things we do to sabotage ourselves.
In my jobs I have had the responsibility of job interviews.
I have NEVER had to ask any male candidates about
their role in a project, it is the primary information that they give as part
of the spiel about something they worked on.
Often women will talk up a projects OUTCOME, and
when I do ask about a female candidate’s role, it was a lead one, and yet they
leave that out.
Please trumpet your achievements. Tell people.
Write them on your websites, mention it in job interviews. If you are shy about
it, Stick it in a brag book you can look through when you start doubting
yourself again.
When asked about pay I have only had 1 female
candidate in a job interview already have a number in mind. A lot of the time
women aren’t getting less pay rises, we are starting on a lower salary. Why?
Because your boss will pay you as little as you will accept, and if we don’t know
our own value, why should we expect our bosses to?
As for worrying we don’t belong where we are, or we don’t know enough…
How many people have heard of the dunning-kruger effect?
Dunning and Kruger proposed that, for a given
skill, incompetent people will:
· tend to overestimate their own level of skill;
· fail to recognize genuine skill in others;
· fail to recognize the extremity of their
inadequacy;
· if they are exposed to training for that skill, they
eventually do recognize and acknowledge their own previous lack of skill.
Next time you are worried that you don’t know
enough, aren’t good enough, have too much still to learn. Don’t panic. That
insight is probably a really good sign that you are starting to get up there in
your understanding, because you know how much you don’t know– if that makes any
sense at all.
So next time that nagging feeling in the back of
your head says “I don’t deserve this, or I don’t belong here” please try to
remember that most other people, especially those who have been raised to be
put in a different space in the world, feel that way for some reason or
another.
Now we have realised that huge numbers of people
pushing up far above and beyond where “their place” is, lets continue sticking
our necks out, supporting each other, and looking past where we “should be” to
where we “could be”.
