I am not my body

I found this in my blogging file and have decided "better  late than never" and put it up. This post was written before my separation and moving, changing jobs etc etc etc, so there are references that are out of date. My diagnosis is now formal, I have started treatment, and my chances of having biological kids is far less than it was. 

I have spent years on body positivity. Most of this has been a deliberate embracing of my body as it is. Rather than pretending I am not fat, or ignoring my skin condition, I love myself as I am and demand that others respect that. Body and mind working together for a holistic sense of self has been really important to me.

Recently I have been dealing with health issues around my body. This afternoon I came home with a tentative diagnosis and had a good cry. It’s not a big deal; I’m not going to die (until I normally would). I don't even know how much worse it will get.

Excuse the vagueness, it’s just that the condition that I have is rare enough that like my job, and volunteer work, I won’t be disclosing it on here for fear of outing myself.

There is a possibility that over time my body will become less functional faster than I would like. This comes with pain and difficulty moving, and the idea scares the shit out of me.

This body I love... It’s fucking failing me.

How DARE it!

The HOURS I have put into exercising, and feeding it well, and loving it, and only letting the BEST most wonderful people give it cuddles and love. This body has been nourished in every sense of the word, and now I find out that 30 years of good times with it, is all I may get? I am so ANGRY. I am well aware that there are people out there with prognoses that are a million times worse. With limited time, bigger pains and sadder stories. There are people with perfectly good bodies but hurts so great that they deliberately end their lives early. I’m one of the lucky ones and once I get past this news I know that I will realize that fully.

But right now I’m pissed off, and frightened, and sad.

At the moment I can’t really safely get down the stairs in the morning until I’ve had a hot shower and my pain has decreased, and that is totally ok.  But what will I be like in 5 years, when I want to (the fates willing) be getting up at all hours in the cold, to a hungry baby?

What about in ten years, when I take my kids canoeing down the Whanganui river, and I want to crawl in and out of tents scaring 7 shades of shit out of them.

What about in 20 years when I want to boogie at my birthday and embarrass myself trying to dance the old school styling’s of the Macarena?

What about…

What about…

But I don’t know. The future may not be much different to what it would be without this diagnosis.

Worrying won’t make a damn bit of difference, and even if I never had this, I could get something else in a weeks’ time. If life has taught me nothing else, it has taught me that shit happens, and all you can do is roll with it.

My new challenge will be to continue to be body positive even when it doesn't do what I want it to. To love it when it hurts me, to love it as it fails me. I think I'm up to the challenge.

But give me a few days of tears and anger before I settle into this, ok?

Dr Miriam Grossman, lies, bent truths, and irresponsible medicine.

Miriam Grossman, and her bizarre take on sex education were the reason I was shaking with rage as I walked into work this morning. I was listening to the car radio and a woman was being interviewed about NZ sex education. Firstly, she had an American accent and kept referencing US websites that our Family planning isn’t affiliated with.

If you are going to take interviews in another country, at least do some damn research lady.

Secondly, every second “fact” that came out of her mouth, wasn’t.

For example “it is proven that Oral sex is linked to mouth cancer”

Uh no it’s not…

Saying that oral sex causes oral cancer is like saying that typing causes stomach ulcers.

Typing on a contaminated computer causes the transmission of the germs that in turn could cause stomach ulcers. There are other ways to cause stomach bug transmission, and the bacteria vector is not to blame. The bacteria, and following body dysfunction itself is.

Kissing babies doesn’t cause cancer – the politicos can breathe easy.

So who was this idiot and why was she being interviewed?

Within a few minutes I had found out that Family first had invited a certain Dr. Miriam Grossman to speak at their “Forum on the family”.

Ooohhhh I thought, that makes sense.

But hold on a minute… what kind of stupid doctor would be pushing such misinformation?

She is a clinical psychiatrist, promoting her new book about sex ed and youth sexuality called “you’re teaching my child what?” A quick zip through on amazon showed me that several of her research assistants are pathologically right wing, and NOT MEDICALLY TRAINED.

One is a journalist: Ashley Herzog.

Her qualifications in medicine? None.

Her qualifications in politics and gender? A charming little piece about “Wenergate” blaming the women who were harassed, for gagging for it.

Not much more I want to say on her.

So I thought, who is supporting this woman?

(Mum taught me to look at people who support concepts and decide if I wanted to be like them or not as part of my decision making)

Well Family first for a start *cough*.

Also she appears to be the conservative US media darling for all things sex related.

People I love dearly do NOT support her.  Such as GayNZ.

After seeing theGayNZ.com website write up- I started digging a little deeper into her anti human rights themes.

So I had a bit of a look at her take on homosexuality and gender…

For a start – take a peek at the following video. the California Senate Judiciary Committee voted to advance the FAIR Education Act (SB 48), a bill that would require state schools incorporate into their curriculum the contributions of LGBT Americans to development of California and the U.S, The good “Doctor” spoke AGAINST the legislation, mostly on the fact that transgenderism would frighten the children.

Yuck.

“It is our responsibility to protect children as best we can from exposure to facts and experiences that they are not equipped to handle… If this bill, SB 48 passes, I fear for the children of this state. More harm will come from this bill than good. Certainly, we can teach children the importance of respect and tolerance in a manner that is consistent with child development and biological truths.”

FFS… really?   Most children raised in a supportive home with decent sex and gender education understand more clearly than some adults that the “biological truth” is that sexuality, gender, biological physicality and identity are individual assignments and should not be a package deal.

Within the book she doesn’t tone it down all that much. In her references there is the following link to the website “mass resistance” it has the title “another reason not to send your kids to UMass Amherst"I would love to think that she just wanted a copy of the wonderful flyer, but if that were the case, she could have gotten it without using a hate group’s website to get there.

This is the flyer if you want to avoid going to a shitty site...

Another footnote that caught my eye was the following

“One notes how often the term “transgender folks” is used to get us to believe they are people just like you and I – they just want to be castrated, that’s all.”

What the actual FUCK??

There is nothing to rebut here because it is simply her very sick opinion that a group of people are not actually people. Surprising since as an orthodox Jewish person, that particular technique of fucktardery got a horrific number of her religious group killed in the second world war.

She also links to “Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays” where the following greeting is given.

“Welcome to PFOX

PFOX is not a therapeutic or counseling organization. PFOX supports families, advocates for the ex-gay community, and educates the public on sexual orientation. Each year thousands of men, women and teens with unwanted same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave homosexuality. However, there are those who refuse to respect that decision. Consequently, formerly gay persons are reviled simply because they dare to exist! Without PFOX, ex-gays would have no voice in a hostile environment.”

If there was any shred of professional integrity left, the use of this link would have burnt it and stomped out the ashes.

That this woman is peddling hate speech under her professional title and selling books is of huge concern to me. Surely there should be a disclaimer.

May contain incorrect information, warped facts, skewed statistics, biased points of view, imbalanced reporting, and hate speech.

I firmly believe that freedom of speech is an important part of any healthy society. Integrity of professions is also very important, and I think it is about time the Doctor was investigated for unprofessional behaviour. Using her title and qualifications to convince people they are unnatural and unhealthy for having real, natural sexual urges, is cruel, dangerous and irresponsible.

Someone needs to at least complain to her governing medical body.

A big thank you to Rachel Hansen, and Richard Hills for their wonderful work with Sexuality education in NZ, and their great, positive interviews on last night’s close up show featuring Grossman.

A standing ovation to Katie Fitzpatrick who managed to be interviewed in debate with Grossman, without ONCE rolling her eyes, banging her forehead on the table or simply punching the good doctor. You are a hero to us all.

Just to finish off the fun, here are some quotes from Miriam Grossman that I actually filed under “stupid” in my writing page as I worked.

“unless you are a girl who is exclusively with other girls in which case the risk of STD’s is very low and HIV virtually impossible.”

Uh noooo, that is wrong. Blood to blood contact is required for HIV contraction and there is no reason why a woman couldn’t have that kind of contact with another woman.

Referencing twilight’s Edward as the ideal man (because conservatism is hip!)

“Not bad, huh? Now if only the professionals running our country’s sex education could figure that out. Because that’s what the Twilight craze is about: a guy who adores his girl so much, he’ll do anything to protect her. A guy who won’t allow his girl to get hurt, even if it means saying “no” to himself. That’s what girls want.”

Has she read Twilight? I refer you to my post here discussing the issues around abusive relationships in twilight – but I guess its ok since they didn’t have sex.

“With the brouhaha over Bristol Palin’s pregnancy, here’s a plus no one’s considered: should this young woman go to college as a married mom, she’ll be spared four years of the campus hook-up culture.”

Yup, because once you have pushed something out, nothing goes back up there… darned if I know how people have more than one child.

Referenced in this blog post and NOT recommended by ScubaNurse, or indeed any nurse with half a brain.
Ref: Miriam Grossman: You're Teaching My Child What? A Physician Exposes the Lies of Sex Education and How They Harm Your Child: Washington: Regnery Publishing: 2009.

I know a bunch of people have written about close up interview - can you please link to your posts in the comments? Thanks!

HEY BANK!

Hey Bank!* 

You just offered to increase my ability to borrow money by $15,000 dollars.

That’s more than I can repay. But you know that.

What you don’t know is that my partner and I recently separated, I’ve been diagnosed with an illness that will be costing me money, and my job at the time you offered me a card was not a stable one.

Why don’t you know? Because you never asked.

Why would a professional banking institution offer to loan money without checking if it can be paid back? Why would you send me ANOTHER credit card in the mail, if you don’t know what my income will be next week - it quite clearly changes in my bank statements.

The only logical reason I can think of is because you do better if I can’t pay it off. You get more money in the end by ruining my reputation and financial future.

I’m smart enough to know this, smart enough to cut up the cards, and refuse the increases.

I’m sure there are plenty of people trusting enough to think that a bank wouldn’t offer something out of their league.

I wonder if they are looking for a mortgage lender…

Because I am. And as far as I’m concerned, offering me something I can’t pay back, on terms that are not properly discussed, with a client you haven’t met… Well if it isn’t unprofessional or deliberately shitty, then it’s terribly stupid.

None of these things will result in you being the people who handle my home loan, when I decide I am ready for one.

So bank… quit being a douche. I’m on to you.

*to the tune of 'hey cow'.

Dear Comedians... we need to talk about rape.

Dear Comedians,  

I just wanted to have a wee chat about rape jokes. It’s the end of the NZ comedy festival for 2012, but it’s not too late to improve in time for next year.

As a basic rule of thumb, comedy thrives on taking awkward social situations and twisting them to make people laugh. Rape is not an awkward social situation. It’s a violent crime.

Some of the best comedians I have seen have told jokes about their own awful life experiences… I’m yet to see someone get up and do an anecdotal bit on rape. Possibly because of the fear that every time we make light of it, another person thinks what they did was ok. Possibly because most people never get to the point where it is a laughing matter and remain un-medicated.

Humor is one of the best survival techniques to trauma that I know of. Generally this is for stuff like, falling down, embarrassment, “stupid shit I have done while drunk”, self-destructive behaviour due to youth, addiction, stupidity etc. Not so much, stabbings, rape, domestic violence.

Also, I get to laugh at my trauma when I'm ready. What the fuck makes someone qualified to tell a room full of people that you know they should be desensitised enough to laugh at something as awful as rape.

Here are some basic rules of thumb about what is and isn’t funny.

If someone did something harmful to themselves, it might be funny.

If someone was hurt by someone else, it probably isn’t.

If someone tells a story themselves, to strangers. It’s probably funny.

If no one tells it in the first person, it probably isn’t.

If you wouldn’t use the phrase at a dinner party “go on tell the one about when you were raped”

Then don’t stand on stage and tell “the one about someone being raped.”

Because (and here is the bit where I get serious) every time you tell a joke about rape, rapists, rape victims, or just use the word rape to explain how hard your life is (it isn’t, shut the fuck up), someone in your audience got chills. Someone felt the hair stand up all over their body. Someone felt bile rising. That person who walked out, they probably needed to be sick.

One in about 7 people in your theatre would have been trying not to cry, or trying to remember to breath. Some would have been using self-talk to stop a panic attach. Some would have felt the urge to scream when the man behind them laughed throatily at your rape joke because… why? Why would someone laugh at a rape joke? Because they have done it and got away with it?

Because they knew someone who got away with it? Because they hate women/men so much they think they ASKED for it?

Every time you tell a joke with rape as a punch line or story thread, you are hurting survivors all over again.

So go on, tell the rape joke. And look and I mean REALLY LOOK at your audience. Look at who is laughing. But more importantly, look at who isn’t. And choose to never do that again.

And a big shout out to Rabon Kan, who not only had walk outs in his shows, but didn't learn from it, apologise for it, or indeed respect the complainants. 

I used to find you funny. Now you make me feel physically sick, and unwilling to be alone with you.

I choose life.

Every now and again there is a point in my life where I really truly have to choose.
I have the option to wake in the morning or not. I can get up, or not.
I can paste a smile on at work and encourage other people’s positivity, or I can just get through it.
I can keep up my sports and hobbies, or call off sick.
When I’m out and about I can meet new people and try to be interested in them, and their lives, or I can duck my head and hope to avoid superficial banter.
It seems easier to plead grief. To mutter that life is really hard right now, and that I have nothing to give.
  The truth of it is that when you feel like your world is empty because you are dealing with loss; whether it is a break up, health issues, having to move, the death of loved ones, or watching someone slip away in old age. You HAVE to keep fighting.
Otherwise you miss the point where things start to get better. One day someone or something lovely happens but you miss it because you are under your duvet smelling like three day old pizza.

 Before a family member’s funeral a long time ago, mum caught us kids playing cards and giggling in that over-stimulated tired way kids do when they are beyond it. We must have looked shamefaced at being caught in a moment of happiness at such a sad time. She sat down and quickly reassured us that we were allowed to be happy. “it’s really hard at the moment, but if you feel happy, or good things happen, you are allowed to enjoy it – you need it even more at the moment.” She joined us in our playful little group, our bubble excluding all the other crap outside the door. It was an awesome lesson in the fact that life is never 100% sad or 100% happy. We have little pockets of both in times of great extreme, the trick is to find them and use them.

  So things have been really horrible recently for me. (Take each of the examples from the above and every. Single. Fucking. One has happened in the last month). But I’m still here. And I‘ve realised, that the horrible things may not stop. And I either need to give up completely or try to enjoy the life I have. Because bad stuff isn’t going away, but the good stuff might.
People eventually stop reaching out if you aren’t there, and I need them. People have been AMAZING. I’ve been out for dinner, had people around, gotten drunk, stayed sober, sat quietly, talked for hours, sobbed uncontrollably and sworn endlessly.
My sports buddies and work colleagues have respected that those are my “safe” places and I don’t want to talk or think about things there and we are all doing an awesome job of pretending I’m hunky dory when I’m there. I’m so blessed in so many ways.
The least I can do is give everyone the respect they deserve and let them help me the ways they want to.
 So thanks to those twitter buddies who send me messages of support and respect that I’m not ready for drinks yet.
Thanks to those of you who have messaged to check that I’m ok, since there has been such a gap between posts.

 And here’s to anyone who is choosing to live. Really live – get your smile out and kick ass.

International women's day 2012

In honour of international women’s day 2012, I have decided to write about what it is to be a woman in New Zealand, and more specifically, this woman in New Zealand.

My Voice.
New Zealand women are allowed to vote. The 1893 women’s suffrage petition resulted in the Electoral Act of 1893 which gave New Zealand (and Cook Island) women the right to vote. This is in comparison to:
1902 Australia
1906 Finland
1913 Norway
1915 Denmark (which included Iceland at the time)
1917 Canada, Lithuania, and Latvia
1918 UK,Hungarian democratic republic, Moldova, and Ireland
1919 Armenia, the Netherlands, the Ukrainian SSR, Southern Rhodesia, and Luxembourg
1920 USA and Albania.

Side note: women did not win the right to run for the New Zealand elections until 1919, 16 years later.

Being allowed to vote may not seem like a unique or pivotal thing in my life, but it really is.
For two reasons: One, that I take my right to vote very seriously and enjoy participating in discussion around what is happening in NZ politics.
Secondly, I am really proud of what New Zealand women and Kate Sheppard managed to achieve by obtaining the vote for women. It is a sign of good things in this country, tangible proof that this tiny country can start a wave of hope all around the world and be a trend setter.


Education.

I completed high school with a bursary qualification, and I went on to complete a degree.
Kate Edger was the first woman in NZ to earn a university degree in 1877.
In the proportion of adults with bachelor’s degrees or higher, New Zealand ranked fifth equal (with Denmark and Canada) out of 30 OECD countries, with a rate of 25 percent. This was above the OECD median of 20 percent. Countries that had higher proportions of adults with tertiary qualifications at this level included Norway (32 percent, the highest rate) and the United States (31 percent). Australia (24 percent), the United Kingdom (23 percent) and Ireland (21 percent) had lower proportions than New Zealand.
Among 25–34 year olds, New Zealand ranked fourth with 33 percent having tertiary qualifications at bachelor’s degree level or higher. This was above the United States and Australia (31 percent), Ireland (30 percent) and Canada and the United Kingdom (both 29 percent).
New Zealand is among the 25 OECD countries in which females aged 25–34 years are more likely than males of that age to have tertiary qualifications at bachelor’s degree level or higher.


Working.

I work a 40 hour week as a registered nurse, a secure role with a heavy physical work load and high expectations of behaviour and professional growth. This workforce is an unusual one with women making up only 95.5% of registered nurses (Ref Kai Taiake nursing journal).
I’m really lucky because although nurses have the second highest rates of workplace injuries, New Zealand has a system called ACC which means that if I get hurt working to help other people the government (theoretically) has my back, supplying health care and rehab, and covering part of my lost wages. Unfortunately as I have a new diagnosis of Arthritis, most of any future claims I may have to make are probably going to be refused on the grounds that I have a “pre-existing condition”. This is a load of ass in a lot of cases, but urgh, I have to pick my fights. It is a fallible system, but it is significantly better than life without that particular ambulance at the bottom of the cliff.
In my career I have little interest in a management role, as my specialised clinical role provides a wonderful sense of satisfaction which I would lose if stuck behind a desk.
In nursing management roles = 4.1% of male nurses
In nursing management roles = 3.6% of female nurses
The New Zealand Nursing Workforce; A profile of Nurse Practitioners, Registered Nurses, Nurse Assistants and Enrolled Nurses 2010
Nursing council of NZ
The downside is that at the age of 30 I have hit the glass ceiling financially in the field of my choice. It is intensely frustrating knowing that I have so much knowledge, and love to improve and learn, and there is really not too far to go as far as financial remuneration.

There was a promise made by the New Zealand government internationally of 50% gender parity in government-appointed bodies by 2010, which has not been met and has now slipped to an 8.5% gap.
At this point as far as I’m concerned THIS is where I want to see improvement within employment for NZ women, because the government CAN make these promises and demands. The private sector cant and probably won’t make the same promises of gender parity, (and we could debate the good and bad of that til the cows come home) but the government can.
I would love to see our government showing employment equity and providing their workplaces as a great example of what we can do with strong numbers of women in, and leading the workplace.


Family.

I’m unmarried, and am lucky enough to have a family that wouldn’t care if I never married (whatever the reason). This hasn’t really been a problem here, however if my partner needed decisions made on his behalf due to illness or injury, his absent family members would warrant more response than I would within the legal and medical systems.
As defacto partners who have lived together for more than two years, here in NZ if we separate we are legally able to separate assets in the same way we would have to if we were married.
Given the wage difference of around 10.5% between men and women in New Zealand (NZ stats 2011) this agreement does favor the female in a heterosexual relationship without children, (obviously only if there is an income difference in the male partner’s favor). I’m pretty sure that most people in my situation walk away with what they came into the relationship with; NZ is not a particularly litigious country.


Kids.

Due to life opportunities, travel, work and reliable contraceptives easily obtained (since I have a car and only work 5 days a week) I have not yet have children, this is not unusual since the The median age (half are younger and half older than this age) of New Zealand women giving birth is now 30 years, compared with 26 years in the early 1960s.
In the March 2011 year, women aged 30–34 years had the highest fertility rate (125 births per 1,000 women aged 30–34 years), followed by those aged 25–29 years (108 per 1,000) and 20–24 years (76 per 1,000).


Social life.

NZ is still light years behind where we should be when it comes down to how women are treated in the community and viewed in the media. If I wear shorts or a skirt above the knee I WILL have someone honk, shout, or make a comment. Women in positions of power are treated like crap by the media, and their views are secondary to a briefing on what they are wearing and eating at the start of every interview.
Women who are single at my age are questioned on their relationship status at every social gathering, and those of us in relationships will be asked about kids. It doesn’t matter how rude either of those questions are. It is like there is a little vomit that has to happen at the beginning of any social conversation.
Women are judged on how they dress and how much they have drunk and this spills over into the legal system. Cases of rape have never even made it to court, because a woman was too scared to report/persuaded to drop charges due to a state of inebriation at the time of assault. Cases have been lost because of the victim’s traceable history of ‘promiscuity’ through online dating.
This is BULLSHIT, and needs to change. Slut-shaming is not ok, and I think the NZ feminists stepping up and questioning how women are portrayed in the media are awesome.


My health.

Health care in NZ in a lot of ways is very good, with one major flaw when it comes to women’s health – Abortion.
Abortion is governed by the NZ crimes act. No other medical procedure is treated this way.
If I need an abortion here in New Zealand I would have to see a doctor, lie and claim that the pregnancy and subsequent child would cause mental health issues. I would then be referred to a second doctor for a second tick to say that I would be batshit crazy if forced to proceed with the pregnancy. I’m super lucky because my GP is already an obgyn, but if they weren’t, I would have to ensure the second doctor was either/or a gynecologist or obstetrician. (Can anyone say rising costs?)
More than 98% of all abortions in NZ are given on the grounds of mental health… these statistics shouldn’t be so skewed by reports led with lies.
I would then need to make an appointment in order to actually have the required procedure.
Although abortion is legal here in NZ, these clunky laws with all the requirements that overlook an adult’s right to make choices about their own body undermine my legal status as an independent adult.
THIS is room for change here in NZ, and something I am willing to put my voice and face behind in our future in order to keep moving forward in women’s rights.
If you would like to see abortion decriminalized, you can join ALRANZ too.


So there ya go,
Just another kiwi woman, not on the top, not on the bottom, just here.

Happy international women’s day.

But that’s not romantic to me…

It is Valentine’s day today.
Every year I explain to people around me that we don’t “do” Valentines Day. By that I mean there aren’t flowers or gifts in our household. I object to being told when I should be nice to the special people in my life. I also MASSIVLY resent the constant messages of “What Women Want” from the media around this time of the year.
For me, what would make my day special is for the man in my life to attend my sports training and cheer me on, meet my team mates, and get to know a little more about who I am, and what I am capable of.
For him, the morning is a lovely time full of promise and hope (I’m more of the try-to-sleep-through-it brigade) so me getting up super early to cook breakfast and take that special time to be together without a big rush will make his day really nice. Neither of these things are in any of the numerous advertisements for how to “really treat your partner” on Valentine’s day, and yet, there it is… our perfect day.
So for all that I mock it… perhaps Valentine ’s Day is a really good time to set this stuff up with a new partner, or reinforce what makes you happy with a loved one. Because not everyone shows love in the same way, and not everyone accepts love in the same way. This is pretty damn cool, and it makes total sense given how unique each person and their life experience is.

I’m a super lucky lady, the man in my life is a really good guy when it comes to little gifts, and flowers. Unfortunately when I met him, flowers still stank of obligation and emotional bribery. Because of a history of a stalker and a boyfriend who would only buy flowers to give himself more time to wiggle out of trouble, they meant nothing more to me than someone trying to control me. I needed to gently tell him that I knew what message he was trying to send, but until I got a little more comfortable with him, and felt safer, flowers didn’t always send that message.
He knew he loved me, and wanted to tell me that.
But his message did not resonate with how I identified “love”
So message sent needs to equal message received.
It’s not romantic, but it does mean a lot more genuine happiness. And that sure doesn’t come in a box with a bow.
For me it comes with the smell of chlorine and a victory hug after training.

So how’s about we fuck up the sales records and tell the people we love, that we love them how THEY want to hear it.
I can’t wait to hear how it goes.